Blogs

As Told by Jackie: 10 Lies About the College Application Process Spewed by the Masses

Being the kind of kid who started researching colleges before I got my braces on, I believed that there was an exact science to getting an acceptance letter from Harvard. The formula was something like 5 percent grades, 15 percent how many SAT prep books I bought, and the rest was becoming a superhuman. I was so brainwashed that I truly believed my intermittent involvement in the Math Magazine and doing the yearly breast cancer walk was going to make it or break it. My acceptance letter from Harvard never came, and I place full blame on the following lies spewed by the masses.

  1. Pretend to be passionate about a cause and start a fundraiser; I thought this was the absolute key to the admissions process. If I had gone through with my fundraiser to build a dog park for dogs with cancer, I would have been the youngest person to attend college.
  2. Visit each and every college in the free world. Leave no freshman hall laundry room untouched. Tell every college how blown away you were by their campus’ Starbucks.
  3. Trip and hurt yourself on the college tour. They’ll accept you out of fear that you’ll sue.
  4. Join every club your high school has to offer. You need to be in at least 50 clubs of varying interests, and you need to have founded half of them yourself.
  5. Honor societies or DIE! So what you have the grades to prove that you’re adept in certain subjects? If you don’t have the pretty rainbow cords to prove it, you’re NOTHING. You have no interest in the Math Honor Society, yet you’ll bake six apple pies for Pi Day. To those that think they can trick everyone into thinking they are truly passionate about honor societies, you’re not fooling me.
  6. Spend upwards of $8,000 to go to Ecuador for two weeks of your summer and volunteer. Your efforts cleaning the village’s water with a Brita filter so you can throw it into your college essay is much more indispensible than donating that money.
  7. Write about overcoming adversity. I don’t know if this is some sort of human defect with our brain chemistry, but this is the only option applicants see fit for a college essay. If you didn’t write about the tragic tale of your third cousin’s battle with acid reflux and how it taught you to not take life for granted, then you’re probably a mutant.
  8. Try out for a sport. Do this even if you have no athletic ability. This way they’ll know you get your blood pressure up on something other than the timed critical reading section of the SAT.
  9. Research your family history until you find out that you are one-sixteenth a minority. Your great-great-grandfather was an Eskimo? Perfect.
  10. Have no study halls or lunches in your schedule. Don’t even bother applying to college if you do because there isn’t a college in the world that wants an underachieving loser who wants a little time to eat their sandwich instead of conjugating in Latin class.  No one I tell you!

Jackie Salo is majoring in journalism and political science since she couldn’t find a job as a froyo taste tester. She has won numerous awards including the prestigious Chai Center Hebrew School Perfect Attendance Award 2004. Follow Jackie on Twitter at @GoodInsanity.

As Told by Jackie is a blog that chronicles all of Jackie’s latest grievances that result from not being able to sleep 28 hours a day.

February 4, 2013

Reporters

Jackie Salo


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • Error

With the University of Miami season opener closing in, the next starting quarterback has yet to be n ...

The second fall scrimmage, closed to the media and public, is over. University of Miami coach Mark R ...

1. DOLPHINS: Fins any good? 'Dress rehearsal' may tell: Opening win, then lopsided loss. W ...

University of Miami linebacker Jamie Gordinier has had another unfortunate setback, effectively side ...

The calmest coach on the planet got mad Friday after football practice. University of Miami coach Ma ...

UM’s new chief academic officer holds some 40 patents, and in 2017 was inducted into the National Ac ...

University of Miami students and researchers are blogging during a month-long expedition in the Gulf ...

María de Lourdes Dieck-Assad, a world-renowned economist and former ambassador, fills a new role for ...

Through the U Dreamers Grant, DACA students find essential support as they pursue their college degr ...

UM students talk about their internships up north in a city that never sleeps. ...

RSS Error: A feed could not be found at http://www.hurricanesports.com/. A feed with an invalid mime type may fall victim to this error, or SimplePie was unable to auto-discover it.. Use force_feed() if you are certain this URL is a real feed.

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly on Thursdays during the regular academic year.