Dear V

Dear V: My girlfriend keeps skipping our sex appointments…

Dear V,

I have sex with my girlfriend at least twice a week, and we always choose our class schedules to make sure that sexy time is possible. But lately, she has been missing the designated times and it’s getting frustrating. I feel like she is putting other priorities before me. I don’t want to have to masturbate anymore when I could be getting some real loving. What should I do? 

Sex-Deprived Soul

 

Dear Chicken Soup for the OCD Soul,

I can make my answer short and simple by assigning you “50 Shades of Grey” because your relationship reminds me of Christian and Anastasia’s agreement. Don’t celebrate this comparison. It’s not as exciting as the millions that E.L. James earned while I wrote this sentence.

Before I address this problem, I believe I understand your decision to schedule sex. Some “sexy time” between sociology and psychology makes you sound smarter than I had anticipated.

Though building your life around sex may appear organized and practical, it can actually make your relationship dull and uneventful. Where is the spontaneity? Some of the best relationships are serendipitous. Bonnie and Clyde, Thelma and Louise, the loyal readers of Cosmopolitan magazine. C’mon, 55 ways to orgasm? Classic.

I can’t comment on the specifics of these relationships, but they lived life on the edge. They don’t wait for sex to happen at 4 p.m. Otherwise, Bonnie and Clyde would have been caught much earlier, and Thelma and Louise would have had less time to be guilt-ridden. Talk about a win-win situation, if you ask me.

And do not call yourself “sex-deprived.” Masturbation has helped many single people since the beginning of time. What you do with your privates can be scheduled to your heart’s content. Give the others the chance to live their lives, and maintain a shroud of their normalness. No one wants a sexual dictator.

If you insist on the schedule, then find someone else that appreciates your fetish for timed intercourse. Look up the directory for sex-starved science students, and you might get lucky.

And please avoid escorts, they’re not as glamorous as British TV makes them out to be.

V

January 30, 2013

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