There is nothing like returning to school from a winter break where all I did was play Wii and watch reruns of Jersey Shore in my underwear and a Snuggie. It’s back to valedictorian mode where I sleep only five hours (if I’m lucky), and study and work every second of the other 19. I wish I didn’t feel alone in this back-to-school misery, but when I look around campus at all the motivated students, it feels like I’m the only lazy stereotypical college movie bum enrolled in any classes.
Once a fellow student starts blabbing on about how the eight classes they have interfere with their two full-time jobs, but helped them get the legit internship working for Donald Trump, I usually start feeling nauseous. That turns into the kind of hoping that I will throw up in their face before they mention the volunteer work they do on the weekends at the Humane Society. I know I’m not that much of a go-getter, but do all these people really have to make me feel like I have the equivalent ambition of Bevis and Butt Head.
If you pride yourself on overachieving then this article is not for you. This is for the slacker that’s too lazy to make breakfast so he eats a combination of leftover Chinese rice and Twinkies. Then he catches the last 20 minutes of his calculus class because he spent the first hour watching funny cat videos on YouTube. This is for that guy. Because if it wasn’t for that guy, this would be Harvard.
It’s not hard to spot an overachiever. They are the ones flipping through their anatomy book at 7 a.m., swiping a highlighter through the book like it’s Harry Potter’s wand. I believe that being up at 7 a.m. as a college student is enough of an accomplishment. If these achievers are not writing a research paper before sunrise then they are in their spandex at 5 p.m. for an intense jog (or what to a lazy underachiever might look like an all-out sprint) around the campus.
The trick is to buy the tightest Under Armor possible and an 8-inch Nike headband, and just stretch for about an hour on a palm tree to make it seem like you actually work out. This will help you blend in with the overachievers. If the fake exercising doesn’t help you blend in then head for the library. There you can pull out your iPad (which everyone knows you bought with leftover Florida Prepaid money) and stare at it with a focused and frustrated look while playing Temple Run (make sure your backs against a walls so no one can see that you take a video game played with one finger more seriously than your architecture class).
By taking these directions you no longer have to fear being judged because you choose to play hacky sack and watch reruns of “Seinfeld” instead of going to group study sessions where Monster energy drinks are taken through an IV and laughter is forbidden. So let the underachievers rule the land … until the job interviews after graduation.
Kyle Rambo can’t decide on what he wants to major in so he takes out his frustration on the people that read his writing. He spends most of his time dunking Oreos in milk and watching old ’90s sitcom reruns. The only thing he likes more than complaining is his gel-filled hair.
Rambo’s College Survival Guide is a blog meant to save the student population from all the horrors that come with being a college student. As with this blog, never take life too seriously.