Dear V

Dear V: I’m ready for my last entry in “The Virgin Diaries”…

V,

I’m a virgin and I’m close to hooking up with this guy that I’ve been friends with since the beginning of freshman year and we started talking a couple of months ago. I’m not nervous to be with him since he knows I’m a virgin, but I don’t know how to look the part. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t have the best body, but I’m really clueless when it comes to pubic hair. Do guys like women waxed or trimmed or a full bush? I have no idea where to go from here.

 Sincerely,

Confessions of a Virginite

 

Dear Virgin Girl Problems,

Let me get this straight (and you’re going to need to learn this if you wish to navigate the mystical caverns of first-time intercourse). 

When the time comes to leave the friend zone and make a touchdown, remember that you’re going to be more concerned about whether you’re performing the right motions than if your cute bag matches your autumn skin and winter-colored hair.

In my long history of sexual escapades (including costumed hipsters out to catch colored giraffes), I have learned that nothing compares to the first time.

Madonna had it wrong; “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” ruined virginity loss for the rest of us; and vampires are confusing for aspiring, hormonal teens.

The style of your pubic hair is then irrelevant in comparison to the moment that will remain ingrained as the end of your virginity. But I highly recommend maintaining proper hygiene. No one, even adventurous souls like porn stars and Charlie Sheen, want to engage in the play’s climax (I couldn’t resist) if the underbelly is not cleaned and groomed.

I advise you to not make a habit of changing your pelvic area for the sake of different people. All that guys care about is that there is a naked woman in the room.

Your guy/friend/gentleman caller/lover will appreciate the next step you’re taking and will be glad that you accept yourself.

Grab that mesh shirt and remind him to wear the banana sleeve, which actually matches with your autumn skin.

V

January 16, 2013

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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