Dear V

Dear V: I got handcuffed by a slutty deputy…

Dear V,

Halloween got a little too crazy for me, and I had a bit too much to drink. One thing led to another, and basically I ended up hooking up with this really hot girl in a cop outfit. Problem is I have a girlfriend who I really like, but she couldn’t come out with me because of a test the next morning. I don’t want to tell her, but I’m afraid she’ll find out, and I just don’t want to lose her over a stupid drunken mistake. What do I do?

$%#)ed the police

 

Dear Trick-or-Cheat,

I hope you weren’t expecting any sort of sympathy from me because you’re not going to get it. In short, you acted like a real asshole. Getting so drunk that you cheat on this girlfriend of yours you supposedly “really like?”  That’s low and insensitive, and getting belligerent is never an excuse. Cheating is still cheating.

There’s no use in hiding it. Obviously you feel badly, which is your first step in deserving your girlfriend’s lovin’ once again, so keeping it a secret will only eat away at you. Waiting is just going to make it worse.

If you think I’m being mean about this, your girlfriend’s going to be the devil. No girl wants to hear that her guy gets drunk and goes after any cop or nurse with a nice pair of tits whenever she needs to stay in and study for a test. I’m not saying you had to stay in on Halloween just because she did, but did you even think that having more than a few beers when you’re riding solo was a bad idea? Especially when everyone and their mother (and I mean that almost literally) is pairing their fishnets and push-up bras with animal ears.

This is why Halloween brings out the horny in all of us, my little cheater. Imagine all the great role playing that can be done in the bedroom when everyone’s already in costume. But you’re supposed to be playing cops and robbers with your girlfriend, not Pumpkin Tits from Sandbar.

So tell your girlfriend because she deserves to know, and she doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment. Who knows – she might give you a second chance, but better have your friends Ben & Jerry on call just in case she doesn’t.

V

November 4, 2012

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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.