When Ultra Music Festival organizers announced that, for the first time in history, the annual EDM festival would span two weekends, many people rejoiced – specifically my entire newsfeed, South Florida’s drug dealers and anyone with stock in American Apparel.
I, on the other hand, found myself at grips with a near-fatal panic attack. Six days?! What kind of sociopath came up with this and why do they have to ruin everything that is good in this world?
We all want to relive Ultra after it ends, but do we need to literally? Maybe it’s the post-traumatic stress disorder from being trampled last year at Skrillex’s set talking, but six days can’t be mistaken for anything besides a death wish.
I barely climbed out from under the rubble of day three last year, and now they expected six days out of me. Based on my calculations, that would be approximately 72 hours not spent in the confines of my safe bed watching TLC.
My gluteal muscles would never forgive me, nor would my bank account. I already need to place a call to Zurich to move some money around to afford one weekend. To buy tickets for two weekends, I’ll probably need to refinance my house.
I know it’s easy to forget about the aftermath of Ultra when you’ve been brainwashed by watching Armin Van Buren’s set for the 897th time since leaving Bayfront Park, but does no one remember the arduous recovery period?
How about the waits at the health center? Or how your GPA hardly survived its nosedive in the week after? Two weeks could destroy you and everything you love.
There is the option of only going one weekend, but that would be completely irresponsible. Not only would deciding on a weekend be the equivalent of Sophie’s choice, but I could die of FOMO (fear of missing out). I wouldn’t want my roommate to have to find my lifeless body clutching my phone still lit with an Instagram photo of the main stage.
So I beg of you, UMF organizers, please stop this madness before the city of Miami burns to the ground. I know your heart was in the right place, but this is a crime against humanity.
Jackie Salo is a sophomore majoring in journalism.
See more posts from Jackie Salo