Cosmopolitan Magazine needs to be exposed for what it really is: a manual on how to spend your life in Victoria’s Secret Pink sweats, while listening to the same Adele song on repeat for a week. The magazine ruins lives.
Celibacy is not an option to these writers, with articles such as “how to discretely touch his crotch,” where they suggest you pretend that there is a piece of lint on his pants, and hard-hitting journalism like “how to incorporate ice into your sex life.”
In the latest issue my nail place had (so, like, January 1998), they list “8 date ideas guys dig.” Do they include sitting on the couch watching Entourage and eating Buffalo Wild Wings while he drools all over himself? No. They suggest going on a search for the best hummus in town! So many guys these days just can’t find a nice girl with a large appetite for hummus. When you’re done with your worldwide search for hummus, Cosmo also advises going for a walk and switching iPods so you can get to know each other’s music tastes. I can’t think of one guy who isn’t dying to listen to my Top 25 playlist, which basically consists of this year’s NOW album.
As clever as these date ideas may be, I have some even better ones I thought Cosmo could use when they have to recycle this story idea for the 84th time in two months:
1. A trip down memory lane. I will tell you everything about my life, and I mean everything. You’ll hear about the time my mom murdered my pet turtle, Speedy, by feeding it undercooked chicken and how I left my cell diagram project on the school bus in sixth grade and it was gone forever. Recollection of any and all memories will result in inconsolable sobbing.
2. Pretend to register for gifts for our wedding at Crate and Barrel. So what you haven’t proposed or asked me on a third date? I thought it would be fun to go register for some steak knives! Don’t you? It’s what I spend all day fantasizing about, anyway. Also, I am dying to use one of those scan guns.
3. Go back to my apartment. This one sounds promising, right? Surprise! My roommate is there. I’m going to close the shades and we’re all going to just sit in the pitch black and watch Real Housewives marathons together for hours on end. I’ll share my insightful thoughts about what type of plastic surgery each of the housewives has and you will listen. Fun.
4. Go with me to my dentist appointment. Might as well get to know more about the equipment you’re dealing with. You can watch my dentist count my teeth and tell me how he needs to use the kid-sized equipment because my mouth is the same size as someone who gets to pick out a prize from the treasure chest after his or her appointment.
5. Stare lovingly into each other’s eyes for seven solid hours: Self-explanatory.
Cosmo, don’t thank me now! Wait for this article to get you your magazine’s first Pulitzer or a Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice award – whatever it is you guys are after.
Jackie Salo is a sophomore majoring in journalism and political science.