Not so cosmopolitan magazine

Cosmopolitan Magazine needs to be exposed for what it really is: a manual on how to spend your life in Victoria’s Secret Pink sweats, while listening to the same Adele song on repeat for a week. The magazine ruins lives.

Celibacy is not an option to these writers, with articles such as “how to discretely touch his crotch,” where they suggest you pretend that there is a piece of lint on his pants, and hard-hitting journalism like “how to incorporate ice into your sex life.”

In the latest issue my nail place had (so, like, January 1998), they list “8 date ideas guys dig.” Do they include sitting on the couch watching Entourage and eating Buffalo Wild Wings while he drools all over himself? No. They suggest going on a search for the best hummus in town! So many guys these days just can’t find a nice girl with a large appetite for hummus. When you’re done with your worldwide search for hummus, Cosmo also advises going for a walk and switching iPods so you can get to know each other’s music tastes. I can’t think of one guy who isn’t dying to listen to my Top 25 playlist, which basically consists of this year’s NOW album.

As clever as these date ideas may be, I have some even better ones I thought Cosmo could use when they have to recycle this story idea for the 84th time in two months:

1. A trip down memory lane. I will tell you everything about my life, and I mean everything. You’ll hear about the time my mom murdered my pet turtle, Speedy, by feeding it undercooked chicken and how I left my cell diagram project on the school bus in sixth grade and it was gone forever. Recollection of any and all memories will result in inconsolable sobbing.

2. Pretend to register for gifts for our wedding at Crate and Barrel. So what you haven’t proposed or asked me on a third date? I thought it would be fun to go register for some steak knives! Don’t you? It’s what I spend all day fantasizing about, anyway. Also, I am dying to use one of those scan guns.

3. Go back to my apartment. This one sounds promising, right? Surprise! My roommate is there. I’m going to close the shades and we’re all going to just sit in the pitch black and watch Real Housewives marathons together for hours on end. I’ll share my insightful thoughts about what type of plastic surgery each of the housewives has and you will listen. Fun.

4. Go with me to my dentist appointment. Might as well get to know more about the equipment you’re dealing with. You can watch my dentist count my teeth and tell me how he needs to use the kid-sized equipment because my mouth is the same size as someone who gets to pick out a prize from the treasure chest after his or her appointment.

5. Stare lovingly into each other’s eyes for seven solid hours: Self-explanatory.

Cosmo, don’t thank me now! Wait for this article to get you your magazine’s first Pulitzer or a Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice award – whatever it is you guys are after.


Jackie Salo is a sophomore majoring in journalism and political science.

August 30, 2012


Jackie Salo

Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • Error

Duke Johnson, the all-time leading rusher in Miami Hurricanes history, was one of a dozen members of ...

The Miami Hurricanes, still waiting for a starting quarterback to be named, are in the top 25 again. ...

Happy first day of school for everyone out there, including the University of Miami students. We jus ...

With the University of Miami season opener closing in, the next starting quarterback has yet to be n ...

The second fall scrimmage, closed to the media and public, is over. University of Miami coach Mark R ...

UM’s new chief academic officer holds some 40 patents, and in 2017 was inducted into the National Ac ...

University of Miami students and researchers are blogging during a month-long expedition in the Gulf ...

María de Lourdes Dieck-Assad, a world-renowned economist and former ambassador, fills a new role for ...

Through the U Dreamers Grant, DACA students find essential support as they pursue their college degr ...

UM students talk about their internships up north in a city that never sleeps. ...

RSS Error: A feed could not be found at http://www.hurricanesports.com/. A feed with an invalid mime type may fall victim to this error, or SimplePie was unable to auto-discover it.. Use force_feed() if you are certain this URL is a real feed.

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly on Thursdays during the regular academic year.