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Dear V: I can’t perform unless it’s in public…

Dear V,

My girlfriend and I have been getting it on in semi-public places. Not like the middle of Sunset or on the Rock, but places where there is a potential for us to get caught. And now I can’t finish when we’re not in a place we might be walked in on. What’s the deal?

Signed,

Needs it to be Risky

 

Dear Pee-wee Herman,

Careful, buddy. Having sex in public is still illegal, even if you’ve never actually been caught. I don’t know what you look like, but even if you are a looker it’s still called indecent exposure.

If doing it in ways that might mean someone walks in on you turns you on, why not? Students voted the stacks (specifically the mezzanine level) as the best place to get laid on campus, but everyone’s doing it there. Be a little hipster.

Don’t ignore the other nominees like the arboretum, student organization offices, or the roof of Ungar. And if you’re feeling particularly risky, the UC Green can leave a pleasurable grass stain as well.

But why can’t you get off if you know you’re not going to get caught? Were you always worried as a kid that Mom was going to walk in on you playing with yourself and now you don’t know how to finish without the fear of it? Or do you secretly want someone to catch you guys and join as a third?

Whatever it is, I don’t see any ethical problem with getting it on in semi-private places, although I’m pretty sure V is not allowed to advocate for places that would be illegal. So consider that my disclaimer.

Look, there are far stranger fetishes. Just don’t start walking around in nothing but a long trench coat and flashing strangers.

As long as you’re not trying to be seen, what’s the problem? Maybe just crack the blinds a bit and give the neighbors the option of a show.

If it’s really a straining issue on your relationship and sex life that you cannot finish otherwise, try stopping your adventures. I promise that if you’re denied long enough, your body will physically fix the issue by itself.

Now back to the search for another secluded storage closet!

V

April 22, 2012

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