Dear V,
You’re probably the completely wrong person to ask, but it’s worth a shot. I met this really hot girl at my friend’s apartment this weekend and I think she might be totally into it. The problem is that she has a reputation for sleeping around and I’m a virgin. I don’t think I’ll be up to standard and then everyone will hear how bad I was. Can you give me a few tips or should I just sit this one out?
Sincerely,
The Motion of What Ocean?
Dear Not Sure Where to Put It,
First of all, I’d invest in these handy things called condoms. They’re made of latex, and they will help a lot in preventing your first experience from ending in sores, pus, or worse … a child. If you don’t know how to use one, try a practice round on a banana. Don’t forget to pinch the tip.
Better yet, ask Slutty McTrampy Whore to help you. She may have experience putting them on with her mouth.
You’ll also want to make sure that you know what you’re literally about to get yourself into. I’m hoping that you have at least seen a vagina before. If not, it may be best for you to sit this out or do some research with Wireless Canes.
Once you’re both in your bed, a motel on Calle Ocho, a frat house bathroom or whatever romantic location you’ve chosen, stay away from the cliches. No music, no rose petals and for the love of God no cheesy lines. The last thing she wants to hear is “I’m gonna make you so wet.” Just let your body do the talking and get her turned on. While you and your hand might be used to jumping into the quickest strokes possible, a female needs time to get warmed up. Consider a little tongue action where it counts to get her ready.
If you manage to not screw it up and somehow make it inside, please don’t go all jack rabbit on her. You’re not a woodpecker. Take it slow and get a feel for what she wants. It’s sex, not a race to the finish. It is quite possible that you might have a problem your first time with ejecting out of the cockpit earlier than expected, so be prepared. Try not to think about it. If it does start to feel like you might be coming to faster than you want, thoughts of baseball, your grandmother and Betty White always seem to work.
She probably won’t care, because you make it sound like she has more sex than a Hialeah hooker, but a little cuddling and some pillow talk afterward might be a good idea.
Plus, if you finish a bit too quickly, cuddling could get her in the mood for round two. If you’re so worried about your lack of experience, you could also just talk to her about it. There are plenty of women who would LOVE to show a man the ropes. And I do mean ropes.
Hope that’s enough to get you through it, because all this talk about taking V-Cards is getting me in the mood to find another one I can add to my collection…
They don’t call me V for nothing!
V