I don’t know why, but every guy I’m interested in turns out to be gay. Or maybe I turn them gay. But we start flirting – or what I think is flirting – and then the next thing I know, he ends up liking boys. Sometimes I feel like I should just be a gay male. What is the problem and how do I fix it?
The Eternal Hag
Dear Michele Bachmann,
Luckily, you’ve come to someone who knows how to pray away the gay. This sounds like a problem. One you should probably work on getting fixed unless you plan on forever being called a hag, which you seem to be embracing a bit too well.
Have you tried picking up guys in places other than Lincoln Road? I feel like that would be the first thing I’d change. More Sandbar and less Score. If you fix that first, you’re probably going to have a lot less trouble finding the man of your dreams who won’t end up leaving you for Jake Gyllenhaal.
Are you sure you don’t really want to be a gay man? I hear doctors have made real progress on fixing that. Look into it. I know a guy who does good back alley sex changes if you’re interested.
But let’s address the real issue here. It’s Miami. Every girl’s problem is that she feels like she’s playing a constant game of “Gay or Just European.” And there isn’t an Elle Woods in every woman’s life to trick that pool boy into admitting he has a Cuban boyfriend on the side.
Maybe you should try being more up front from the start.
“Hi. My name’s Katie. Are you gay? Are you sure?”
That sounds like a good introduction for you to stick to from now on.
While I tend to be on the nature side of the nature versus nurture argument, maybe you are just turning these guys into raging homosexuals. Or at least making them more comfortable with exploring their sexuality. Stop watching “The Notebook” with a glass of wine as your first date and you might find better luck.
Here’s my advice. Stop looking for the man of your dreams so much. Love will find you in the strangest places. If you’re constantly searching out your ideal man, which in this case seems to be a gay one, you’re only going to find guys on the flamboyant side. Let them find you, then you’ll know they’re straight. Or, at least so far into the closet that you can at least live a passionate-less relationship full of repression for the next 50 to 60 years.
Now delete your Grindr profile already,
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