Dear V

Dear V: I think I love you…

V,

I’ve been reading your column since I started at UM my freshman year. Every Monday and Thursday, I wake up thinking about you and what brilliant thing you’ll say next. I like your ability to give advice about awkward situations and your obscure references. Sometimes, I look down at my notebook in class and see I’ve subconsciously scribbled more than 50 Vs in different styles. I’d love to know more about you. Lunch Tuesday?

Looking forward to your personalized response,

Future Mrs. V

Dear Natalie Portman without a vendetta,

I have bad news. My job security depends upon my ability to keep mum about my identity and personal life. I’m sure you understand – or not, considering you’re in love with a public figure as vague and undistinguished as myself.
Let’s be frank (or Samantha or Joseph or Roberto), everyone enjoys a bit of mystery here and there. Anonymity is sexy, but it could go either way. I could be a dark, handsome broad who enjoys long walks on the beach and has a smart sense of humor. Or I could be dull, predictable and inexperienced, and forced to use this column to live vicariously (maybe that’s what the V stands for) through my more adventurous peers.
I’m no psychologist (or am I?), but maybe you should examine the source of your crush. Does anonymity turn you on? Did you once miss the opportunity to uncover the identity of a former secret admirer? Do dark, shadowy alleys turn you on?
I have another question. Are you attracted to me regardless of my gender? I could be a guy who likes girls or a girl who likes girls (both of which would serve in your interest), but I could also be a guy who likes guys or a girl who likes guys (which wouldn’t). Or I could be bisexual and not care either way, like, apparently, you seem to be. Random observation: If you’re a bisexual girl and I’m, hypothetically, a bisexual boy, would our impractical relationship be a straight one? Boy, this is complicated.
I can tell you one thing, however. Just because I can’t take you up on your offer for lunch Tuesday doesn’t mean I don’t admire your boldness. You took initiative, and that’s an admirable quality. Maybe you should channel your sexual yearning into other, more tangible individuals. Nevertheless, kudos to you and your fearless inclinations, wannabe future Mrs. V.
Keep it real – I mean, unreal, illusory and artificial.

The always vague but always in vogue ,

V

Have a question for V? Hit up DearV@themiamihurricane.com.

February 5, 2012

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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.