Dear V

Dear V: I’m too sexy to be sober..

My friends and I are all a bunch of drunks. Every weekend (and some weekdays), we get completely trashed at the bar, and we often wake up the next morning and realize how embarrassing and pathetic we all are. Every bar we go to hates us, and none of us can ever establish any form of a relationship with women because they figure out that we’re a bunch of drunken sleezes. I find myself being labeled as an alcoholic douchebag just because I’m associated with them. I really like having a good time, and they’re really good friends, but at this rate I’m never going to be able to find a good woman. What should I do?

Hangover Hater

Dear Vinny Guadagnino,

While we all like to get loose and unwind on the weekends, there is such a thing as excess, and if you’re involved in every single tavern horror story in Miami, you should probably cool it. Remember when Charlie Sheen kept telling everyone that he was winning? The truth is, he wasn’t winning at all, he was in a half-baked cliche sitcom that people didn’t actually watch, they just had it on the TV when they left their house so the dog didn’t get lonely.
The reason Charlie Sheen did all of those drugs was because he realized what a hack he really was; how he turned “Spin City” from watchable to sputum and filled every $5 bargain bin at Wal-Mart with his crappy budget comedies. You’re not winning either, you’re just making it more difficult for people to take you seriously.
It’s okay to party, but you don’t want to be that guy who evacuates bar clientele quicker than a hurricane siren. Try drinking six or seven beers instead of a gallon of Patron – remember, Tony Yayo drank Patron. Who is that? Exactly.
When you get that drunk, you’re not going to attract any women unless they’re equally as drunk, and let’s just be honest here, that’s practically rape. Hitting on anything with a vagina and a pulse is not going to impress the ladies at the club, they’re just going to see you for what you are: a desperate lunatic reeking of sweat, booze and shame. Purposefully spilling your drink on your lap is not an acceptable way to cover up the fact that you inadvertently pissed yourself, and just because it’s called Mansion doesn’t mean you can sleep there.
We all get a little wild, and we’ve all had that one night that we can’t make any excuses for, but you don’t want to make it a weekly performance. Either stop going out so much, or stop drinking so much when you are out, because getting thrown out of a club once is a funny story, but getting thrown out of every club every weekend is pathetic. Just because there are 50 girls at the club doesn’t mean you have to try to bang all of them, and if you’re as drunk as you say you are, you’re not going to bang any of them. If you settle down but your friends don’t, then move a little further away from them the later it gets, so if they do something stupid, you have an alibi later.

Oh and get on Facebook and do some serious un-tagging,


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January 29, 2012


ONE COMMENT ON THIS POST To “Dear V: I’m too sexy to be sober..”

  1. Dante A. says:

    V, let’s straighten one thing out: Charlie Sheen was not winning, but Two and a Half Men was and is still winning. Yes, you are correct that the lowest common denominator watches 2 and half men, i.e., people who have no taste, sense of humor, exposure to culture, i.e., people who read the rest of The Miami Hurricane. Regardless, Chuck Lorre is a genius. He captivates the masses in a way that gives politicians wet dreams. Over 20 million people tune in each week for his Two and a Half Men and Big Bang Theory. Charlie Sheen looked into the abyss, and when it stared back at him, he cowered like a little baby, but when Chuck Lorre saw middle America, he sang, ‘I’m in the money, I’m in the money…’ I’ll see you in court, sir.

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