Dear V

Dear V: It looks like the shit is hitting the fan…

Dear V,

I find myself in a convoluted relationship with this girl I met a few weeks ago. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off right away. There is such a great connection and the sex is phenomenal. We have had many sexual endeavors, but I am perplexed by her recent request.

Initially, I thought she was joking, but it turns out she is very serious about this. She wants us to perform the Montreal Steam pocket. This multi-step sexual undertaking involves urinating and defecating in or on your partner and the insertion of food products.

Although we have tried adventurous positions such as the Cincinnati bow tie and several oral fixations, I am not confident I can meet this request. I am frankly concerned about how sanitary the Montreal Steam pocket could be. I’m not even sure if I’m physically and mentally prepared to execute it.

I’m worried the relationship will end if I decline, but I am more worried that these intense sexual feats will impede the growth of an intellectual relationship.

Dazed and Confused

 

Dear Ill-Placed Urinal Cake,

Listen, dude. It’s okay to get a little freaky in bed. I understand that you’re young and curious, but why would you ever want to crap on someone?

Doesn’t it smell bad? I mean, it’s poop … I thought poop was supposed to be gross. You’re like one of those dogs that eats its own turds.

However, you’re a human who is capable of acting rationally and with reason rather than on instinct. Why don’t you grab one of those weird-looking ducks that walk around campus and have one of those shit on you? Hell, let’s get wild. There are some opossums and stray cats roaming around, I’m sure they’d like to get in on the action.

Get a zoo in your dorm room and have a crapfest, and see if your old lady gets into that. Put one up her freaky ass, maybe she’ll ask you to marry her.

Why don’t you join that club that helps beached whales and see if you can sneak a steamer in before they push it back into the ocean?

Should you do it? No. Should you have a long chat with your girlfriend about having your next date at the office of a trained physician? Yes. Is your relationship intellectual?

Dude, you shat on your girlfriend. Do you honestly think it ever had any chance of being intellectual? For the love of God, stop crapping on each other.

 

Somewhere in your vicinity, there is a toilet that feels very neglected right now,

V

Have a question for V? Hit up DearV@themiamihurricane.com.

January 18, 2012

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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.