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30 November 2011

Dear V: I don’t want to be friends with or without benefits…

Dear V,

I recently had a terrible experience while having sex with my now-ex-friend-with-benefits; it involved tears, guilt and bad hygiene on her part, along with her calling out the name of a certain fellow whom she fell hard for and, at least up until our split, her penchant for him had remained unfulfilled. This resulted in our bitter split after I refused her offer of staying friends sans benefits. It’s not because I don’t care about her, but because I care about her too much. I made the terrible mistake of becoming attached and I think we could have been an item if she never met this other guy. I miss her terribly, but I know she’s not coming back and I’m trying to move on. I’m now following other leads and I’ve made it a point to avoid her as much as possible, as I feel depressed and awkward when I see her or when I’m confronted by her. I have no interest in being friends with her. I’m wondering to avoid the awkwardness every time I see her.

Second-place finisher

 

Dear Jim Kelly,

With that long-winded question, no wonder you always finish second. By the end of the race, you’re more out of breath than Michael Moore after climbing a flight of stairs. On another note, “friends sans benefits?” Boy, with your clever ability of amending a popular phrase into meaning the opposite while using a French term, I don’t see how she could possibly have let you go so easily. Sorry to begin by trashing you, but it was too easy.

What was the bad hygiene? Did she not wash her snatch or what? Anyway, that isn’t important and, if what I said is true, at least you have that weight off of your shoulders. Nevertheless, the phrase, “let’s be friends,” is like drinking a case of O’Doul’s – it tastes a little like love, but you keep reminding yourself that it isn’t intoxicating. Like a hangover, there are only two things that can cure a broken heart: time and weed. I don’t advocate immediately hitting the bong because that’s only going to lead to more problems (like eating at White Castle). The only thing left is to give yourself time to get over her. Think of your situation. Obviously, she didn’t really care about you, so her “great” qualities are being manifested in your mind. If she is as wonderful as your heart thinks she is, you wouldn’t be in the situation you’re in right now.

As for avoiding the awkwardness, you really can’t completely avoid it and accepting that is part of the healing process. You may care about her, but the feeling isn’t mutual. Don’t make the mistake of devoting all of your attention to something that hasn’t paid you any attention. Leave that to fans of the Cleveland Browns. You have to accept your relationship for what it was – the McDonald’s play area. It’s fun while it lasts, but eventually you have to go home.

C’est la vie. Right, Frenchie?

V