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20 November 2011

Dear V: My new marathon man is making me sore

Dear V ,

So, I hooked up with this guy last Thursday, and I’m still sore. It was basically non-stop sex for four hours straight, which may sound good in theory, but in reality, chaffing is a serious issue! There should be some compromise between the 30-second and four-hour guy, but how doI let him know that enough’s enough and I just want to sleep without making it awkward or hurting his feelings? He’s a nice guy and I do like him, but I’m avoiding taking off my pants around him now for fear of getting trapped in another marathon session.

Keeping My Pants On

Dear Sting’s Mistress,

Sexual endurance is a touchy subject for a lot of guys, although we would certainly rather hear that we’re playing college overtime instead of sudden death. If he was a one-pump chump, then you would have a much taller order ahead of you as far as offending goes, so your situation could be worse. My first question: Was he drunk? Four hours is a lot even for a drunk guy, but Jack Daniels or any of his friends make it difficult for our little friend to perform, and if he is performing, he’s doing more of a Strom Thurmond-style filibuster than a Gettysburg Address (the Lincoln Speech, not the sex move that inevitably exists).
Maybe your man’s kettle used to whistle before the tea was ready, and he took it to heart and started practicing some sort of tantric sex exercise to compensate. I’m not incredibly familiar with this style of sex play, but I know that it’s universally known to produce long-lasting sex. Try to ask Mr. Prefontaine some unassuming questions about sex and how it relates to his performance. Find out what he likes, what his ideal sex really is, and then try to determine if this is something he is consciously doing, or if he just naturally lasts longer. You should probably have sex with him one more time, to make sure it wasn’t just a fluke, and if it isn’t, then it’s time to tell him how you feel. Also, buy some sex jelly just to be on the safe side.
Like I said before, you’re already fortunate in that you don’t have to remind him that he isn’t lasting long enough. This is a big fear with all guys, and sometimes we do ridiculous things just to keep ourselves going (change the speed, think of dead birds and grandma in her panties, etc.). He might also be a closet homosexual. I had a friend who was gay, and he told me that when he used to be in the closet and have sex with women, he would last a very long time because he wasn’t into it. Maybe he isn’t gay, he just isn’t into it, which I know is something you don’t want to think of, but we’re not sex gods or goddesses to everyone.
Either way, you might have to tell him to tone it down. Do everything on your end to get him off as quick as you can, but some people are just born to run marathons. Hopefully he turns out to be more like P. Puff Diddy Daddy and only runs one.

On the bright side, maybe Gatorade will start sponsoring you,

V

Have a question for V? Hit up DearV@themiamihurricane.com.

One thought on “Dear V: My new marathon man is making me sore

  1. This is by far the best column in The Miami Hurricane. V, your writing far exceeds the quality of your peers. Are you a professor? Grad student? Other? No offense to Miami undergrads, but the discrepancy is hard to miss.

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