Dear V

Dear V: My boyfriend insists on enhancing the mood…

Dear V, 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a couple of months now and he’s absolutely fantastic. I’m very satisfied with our relationship and our sex life is pretty good, too. But there’s one thing I wish he wouldn’t do. Every time we have sex, he insists on talking dirty. He says things that range from borderline offensive to unbelievably stupid. Sometimes I just want to laugh at him while we’re doing it. I want to say to him, “Yes, I know you are blanking my blank,” or how cliche and cheesy it is to keep calling me a “dirty girl.” I would put more up here, but they’re so embarrassing that I don’t want them in print. Instead of his dirty talk enhancing the mood, sometimes it just kills it. I’ve told him to stop, but it’s almost like he can’t help himself, because he’ll just start doing it again. What should I do?

Wishing I was deaf and he was dumb

 

Dear 1-900 caller,

I understand your sentiments, but there’s one thing we all need to understand: Sex talk is always stupid. As a matter of fact, when you really think about the dialogue that goes on during sex, you realize how little your brain is actually participating.

Some girls like dirty talk and some hate it. But most guys do it and you’re absolutely right, we can’t really help ourselves. Usually it’s something simple like, “Do you like that?” that might not even be considered dirty talk because we’re probably genuinely wondering if you’re getting any pleasure out of the experience. Then there are those like your man, who seem to think they’re Burt Reynolds in a ‘70s porn movie. Usually this dialogue is a series of really arbitrary commands and I can understand why you might be offended; after all, it’s up to you whether you want to “shake that bear” or not. Sometimes, in the throngs of passion, we utter out things that we wouldn’t normally, so try not to give him the Howard Dean treatment.

You need to sit down with him and have a real talk, make sure you bring out the most embarrassing lines he’s ever used. He’s not going to learn how ridiculous he sounds until you remind him in a more controlled setting. Sex talk is always going to be bad, that’s why we laugh at the dialogue in porn movies.

Think about the phrase, “I want to lick you from your head to your toes.” It’s not romantic or sexy. It’s actually completely repulsive. But if said in a deep, melodic voice, it can elicit an agreeable response. So either tell your man to change what he says or how he says it, because there’s nothing worse in the bedroom atmosphere than breaking out into uncontrollable laughter.

If all else fails, just put on some headphones and listen to Barry White,

V

Have a question for V? Hit up DearV@themiamihurricane.com.

November 13, 2011

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