V's Take

Dear V: My flatulence was not so funny…

V,

I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. I recently let one rip – out of my basement – while having sex with my boyfriend. He usually calls me Queen Queef in the bedroom, and he’s never had a problem with me whistling while we work. But never have I ever farted, and after my flatulency episode, he got out of  bed and left me with nothing but my unpleasant stench. I guess I’m a skunk? Anyway, he hasn’t even looked at me in the eye since the incident. Obviously he’s called and texted me, but we haven’t even seen each other after that night – and that happened over a week ago. I’m not sure how to address the issue.

Queen LaQueefah

Dear Dale Doback,

Now that you’ve sprayed your boyfriend with that indelible mark of yours, perhaps next week, when Aunt Flo comes to visit, she can cleanse him with the ever-popular tomato juice remedy.
But seriously, you ripped ass while Casanova was filling the cream donut … really, no big deal. I’m surprised this is the first time this has ever happened to you, and there’s no reason to be embarrassed. In fact, I would wager a stack of Benjamins that he’s done it before, he just doesn’t want to admit it. Sure, it can really ruin the mood and there’s no way around feeling a bit ashamed afterward, but you’re going to get over it, and he will too, because if there’s one thing men have trouble coping with, it’s not getting laid.
Farting during sex is no new phenomenon; in fact, Napoleon Bonaparte actually wrote about it in one of his diaries that nobody has found yet. Even Jesus throws in his two cents, as seen from Luke 18:25 – “It is easier for a [person]to pass [gas]through [sexual intercourse]than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven [dude],” (the words in brackets are sometimes altered, depending on which translation of the Bible you read).
Anyway, don’t be ashamed. Passing gas is a natural human process, and how can anyone expect you to hold it in when you’re being rammed by a Maglight (or a Maglight Travel Size)?
I wouldn’t worry too much about it. After all, I think it’s something you two will be laughing about in a week. Since farting is a bodily function, it’s probably going to happen to you again, and with your legs spread out it only makes it tougher to suppress. Just text him and say, “Look, I farted while we were having sex. I’m sorry, can we get over this because I’m really horny right now?” If he isn’t there faster than Chris Christie at a Chinese buffet then I’ll be washed, ironed and starched.

Queef up the good work, just try not to toot your own horn,

V

November 9, 2011

Reporters


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • HurricaneSports

View photos as Miami Hurricanes Coach Jim Morris ends 41-year career on Saturday, May 19, 2018, at M ...

The sullen, charcoal sky opened with a vengeance Saturday afternoon at Mark Light Field in Coral Gab ...

Hurricanes football aficionados: How does another College GameDay at the University of Miami campus ...

Get out your calendars once again, UM football fans. The Atlantic Coast Conference has announced the ...

Lonnie Walker IV, so eager to begin his professional basketball career that he left the University o ...

A snapshot guide to the start of summer in and around UM. ...

Former investment banker Charmel Maynard leads UM’s investments and treasury functions. ...

Over his more than two decades at the U, the dean of students from 1976-1989 always put students fir ...

The final Sea Secrets lecture at the Rosenstiel School examines the biofluorescence of marine organi ...

Maintenance mechanic Milton Davis has kept UM housing humming for decades. ...

No. 7 seed Miami opens its run at the 2018 ACC Baseball Championship Tuesday, May 22 against No. 11 ...

After 25 years, head coach Jim Morris had just one request for the pregame festivities for his final ...

In honor of Jim Morris' final regular season game as head coach at Miami on Saturday, May 19, t ...

Sophomore righthander Evan McKendry struck out 11 to help lead the Hurricanes to their 10thstraight ...

Check out over 60 of the top pictures from the Miami women's tennis team's matchup with to ...

TMH Twitter
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.