Dear V

Dear V: My flatulence was not so funny…

V,

I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. I recently let one rip – out of my basement – while having sex with my boyfriend. He usually calls me Queen Queef in the bedroom, and he’s never had a problem with me whistling while we work. But never have I ever farted, and after my flatulency episode, he got out of  bed and left me with nothing but my unpleasant stench. I guess I’m a skunk? Anyway, he hasn’t even looked at me in the eye since the incident. Obviously he’s called and texted me, but we haven’t even seen each other after that night – and that happened over a week ago. I’m not sure how to address the issue.

Queen LaQueefah

Dear Dale Doback,

Now that you’ve sprayed your boyfriend with that indelible mark of yours, perhaps next week, when Aunt Flo comes to visit, she can cleanse him with the ever-popular tomato juice remedy.
But seriously, you ripped ass while Casanova was filling the cream donut … really, no big deal. I’m surprised this is the first time this has ever happened to you, and there’s no reason to be embarrassed. In fact, I would wager a stack of Benjamins that he’s done it before, he just doesn’t want to admit it. Sure, it can really ruin the mood and there’s no way around feeling a bit ashamed afterward, but you’re going to get over it, and he will too, because if there’s one thing men have trouble coping with, it’s not getting laid.
Farting during sex is no new phenomenon; in fact, Napoleon Bonaparte actually wrote about it in one of his diaries that nobody has found yet. Even Jesus throws in his two cents, as seen from Luke 18:25 – “It is easier for a [person]to pass [gas]through [sexual intercourse]than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven [dude],” (the words in brackets are sometimes altered, depending on which translation of the Bible you read).
Anyway, don’t be ashamed. Passing gas is a natural human process, and how can anyone expect you to hold it in when you’re being rammed by a Maglight (or a Maglight Travel Size)?
I wouldn’t worry too much about it. After all, I think it’s something you two will be laughing about in a week. Since farting is a bodily function, it’s probably going to happen to you again, and with your legs spread out it only makes it tougher to suppress. Just text him and say, “Look, I farted while we were having sex. I’m sorry, can we get over this because I’m really horny right now?” If he isn’t there faster than Chris Christie at a Chinese buffet then I’ll be washed, ironed and starched.

Queef up the good work, just try not to toot your own horn,

V

November 9, 2011

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