Dear V

Dear V: Ding dong! I have a question about my dad’s…

The other night I was chatting on the phone with my mom and I caught her in a big lie! After a lot of questions, I finally got it out of her: She took my dad halfway across the state to see a specialist because he had to have surgery on his penis! My mom wouldn’t tell me exactly what was wrong with my dad’s penis, just that it was some type of rare deformity that can come with age. I could tell she felt really guilty about spilling the beans; she told me over and over again that my dad didn’t want anyone to know. I don’t know what to do V, I feel a little hurt that my dad didn’t tell me. I understand it was embarrassing for him, but this was major surgery with anesthesia. And anyway, he’s my dad – obviously he has a penis – so what’s the big deal? What should I do? Should I tell him I know and ask him to keep me updated in the future? And, more importantly, should I tell my sister even though my mom swore me to secrecy?

Sincerely,

Disoriented Daughter 

 

Dear Lorena Bobbit Jr.,

You seem awfully interested in your dad’s penis. Are you from West Virginia? I’m just kidding, we all know the people in West Virginia aren’t actually inbred, they just don’t have any teeth. That aside, I understand you’re worried about your dad’s surgery, but don’t think of anesthesia as something that can kill him, think of it as a legal means for his inebriated brain cells to travel back in time to the Altamont concert in 1969 when peace and love were uniting to form the great American counterculture (unless he was the guy that got stabbed).

Sure, you’re mad they left you out of the loop, but look at it from your dad’s perspective: His pecker looks like Sloth from “The Goonies.” Who would want to tell their daughter that? You shouldn’t feel hurt, because if I were your dad, I wouldn’t have told you either, and if I would have died on the operating table (which isn’t likely), I probably would have left instructions with my wife to bury me without a funeral and to tell my daughters that I ran away to fight in the Mexican Revolution like Ambrose Bierce (except I might substitute that war with one that’s actually going on right now). Guys are shy enough about penis/testicle disorders with their friends; I can only imagine what it would be like to tell one’s daughter.

If you want updates you can ask for them, since I assume you made it clear this doesn’t bother you. As far as telling your sister, maybe leave that up to your mom, though it isn’t very fair that everyone else knows but her. It’s up to you about calling dad, although if he’ll find out you knew sooner or later, you might as well just give him a call and show some support. I can assure you, he left you out of the loop because he didn’t want any mental scarring to ensue, not because he doesn’t love you. I wish your dad the best of luck with his surgery. He’ll be happy when his penis looks more like an elephant trunk and less like the elephant man. Also, don’t be alarmed if in 4-6 weeks your mom’s morale also shows vast improvement … that one you’re going to want them to keep a secret.

Here’s to erecting a better life for Dad,

V

November 2, 2011

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