V's Take

Dear V: You ain’t gonna tie me down…

Dear V,

It’s me, Barbie. Remember how I said I liked this kid? Well, I gave him a chance and he’s been too clingy. He constantly asks me where I am, what I’m doing and what I had for breakfast via text message! But in person, he doesn’t even talk to me. If I don’t let him know I’m not into him soon, he may be ready to propose by New Year’s. I already turned him down when he asked me on a date, and I specifically told him I just want to be friends. Any ideas on how to let him go?

Sincerely,

I Lost My Guy in 10 Days

Dear Not Completely Satisfied in 30 Days or Less,

Aren’t you the one who liked the dude with the “Jurassic Park” pajamas? Yeah, I remember you, and I’m glad you took my advice to heart. It’s great that you gave him a chance. That’s really all anyone can ask for, and of course, sometimes that chance blows up in your face.

Let me point out a few things quickly: 1. He texts you all of the time because he’s probably never had a real girlfriend and he’s excited. 2. He doesn’t talk to you in person because he’s inherently shy, which means he hasn’t grown a pair of balls and you haven’t accommodated that by making him comfortable with speaking to you.

There are a few things you can do to let him go. You can order a hit on him, but that’s highly illegal and immoral, and besides, he probably has some Dungeons and Dragons card that makes him temporarily invincible. You could find some other guy and parade around with him to make Dr. Alan Grant jealous, though that will certainly break his heart and make him spiteful, which could lead him to put a hex on you (again, the cards).

I guess what I’m saying is – steal the damn cards before you do anything. Seriously, if that Voodoo stuff works who’s to say the Dungeons and Dragons stuff doesn’t?

After you get the cards in your possession, try having a long, serious talk with him. You want to make it very clear that it isn’t going to work because you’re apples and oranges, but you want to do it in a way that softens the blow. It’s important that you’re also honest with him, so tell him that you actually don’t want to be friends with him. I wasn’t born yesterday; people don’t just turn over a new leaf in a few weeks. You’re still as shallow as you always were.

Listen, like anyone else, you have a character flaw that isn’t going to change, so just accept that you don’t give a damn about any guy who doesn’t have a six pack (or any guy who has a brain). After your talk, be civil with him but get yourself out of his life, because you aren’t doing either of you any favors.

Best,

V

Have a question for V? Hit up DearV@themiamihurricane.com.

October 26, 2011

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