Dear V

Dear V: Somebody call the wahhh-mbulance

V,

Well, first off, I’m a guy. But every time I go out with my friends to see a depressing movie or listen to a sappy song, I do something unusual (and seriously annoying) for a grown man: I cry like a baby. I’m super embarrassed by my lack of masculinity, but it’s like I have no control of my tear ducts. My friends even bought me a 6-pack of tissue boxes – not beer – for my 21st birthday. I try to play off the sensitivity card, but this is getting pathetic. Is there something biologically wrong with me? Or am I just a depressed mess?

Sincerely,
The Waterboy

 

Dear Jon Cryer,

It’s okay for a guy to cry once in a while, but if you blubber like a baby in your room every time you hear “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues” by Elton John, you should probably try to get a hold of yourself. Men tend to put masculinity on too high of a pedestal, but bawling in front of a bunch of people is embarrassing for you and makes everyone around you a bit uncomfortable.
I know professional wrestling is “still real to [you]dammit,” but like that guy in the viral video, take a step back and ask yourself, “Why the hell am I crying right now?” And you don’t know Britney Spears personally, maybe she did something awful in her life and all of that media scrutiny was punishment for it.
Don’t worry too much about your friends. It’s their job to make fun of your weaknesses, that’s what friends do. They still love you, so there’s no need for you to make that piercing screech, reminiscent of two cats mating, every time you watch the ending to “Marley and Me” (I know its sad, but come on man, didn’t you see it coming?).
You ought to know if you’re depressed or not. Remember, I’m not a licensed physician (in this country), so I can’t diagnose you with anything, but you’re probably just one of those guys who’s a little more sensitive than others. I would try to limit your crying as much as you can to save your own ego, but at the end of the day you’re not hurting anyone. Just find something your friends do that you can make fun of, like them being sociopaths. As long as you’re not huddled alone in your bed with a teddy bear, you’re probably not too emotionally unbalanced.

Just used “Jon Cryer” for the pun, I’m not suggesting you’re a closeted homosexual,

V

Have a question for V? Hit up DearV@themiamihurricane.com.

October 12, 2011

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