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28 September 2011

Dear V: Cherry popper pops in for a visit…

 Dear V, 

My friend, whom I also happened to lose my virginity to, is visiting Miami with his girlfriend. Although I haven’t seen him in a few years we have remained extremely close. His girlfriend doesn’t really know the full story about our relationship and I still have feelings for him … Would it be terribly wrong if they stayed at my place during their visit?

 

Seeking a moral compass 

 

Dear Opportunist,

 

There are a few avenues one could take in this situation. It’s certainly difficult to cast aside your feelings for the person you lost your virginity to, especially if you are still on amicable terms with that person. It would be “terribly wrong” if you bumped uglies with him and didn’t even invite her for a threesome, but so long as you keep your feelings in check during their visit, you won’t cause any serious damage.

It’s better that the girlfriend doesn’t know the full story. Sure, being honest with your partner is important, but there are some things, like ex-relationships and whether or not she’s gained weight, that you either ease into or don’t tell at all. This isn’t really dishonestly, it’s saving her from having a stroke during her vacation. I know it’s difficult because you do have feelings for him, but you have to be patient and wait for the right opening to tell him that; you don’t want to ruin a great friendship by putting him in an impossible situation. If you feel that you’re losing too much ground and you have to go “all in,” at least wait until the trip is over, there’s no need for you two girls to throw in mouth guards and march into the octagon.

You could challenge her to a duel if you want. Maybe head to the store and buy some of those foam play swords or some Hulk Hands. I wouldn’t recommend this approach (especially considering the last line of the paragraph I just wrote), but what the hell, it’s fun for me to imagine two women bashing each other with Hulk Hands in the toy aisle at Wal-Mart. This probably wouldn’t impress your boy too much, he probably wouldn’t ever talk to you again, but it would stroke his ego. If you want to creep the girl out, you could buy a pup tent and pitch it in the middle of your living room. Tell them they can’t stay in the spare room, or on the couch, because your roommate has leprosy. This doesn’t really solve your problem, but it would be kind of funny.

But, you should be fine, just be friendly and try to have fun with them. You don’t want to wear your heart on your sleeve, because complicating matters between them in your own house is going to escalate into something that might damage all hope for your future.

 

…and for God’s sake, don’t do anything I said in the 3rd paragraph,

 

V

 

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