Dear V

Dear V: Sexless in Seattle…

Dear V,

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for five months. I’m in Miami and he’s in Seattle. The distance is difficult, but when we’re together our sex life is great. The down side is that I see him about once every two months because we’re so busy with school and work. Lately he has been pushing to have Skype sex with me, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t even know how it works or what I’m supposed to do! Should I just give in and try it out? Or just wait till I see him again?

1,000 Mile Mistress

Dear Virtual Vagina,

While Skype is a relatively new phenomenon, I see someone has already come up with a way to use it for human arousal, which off-putting as it may be, should come as no surprise to anyone living in this world. I don’t mean to discourage Skype sex – rather, in a way, I believe this softens the preconceived apprehension of using it as a sexual tool – but sometimes you have to call a spade a spade, so let’s call “Skype sex” what it really is – masturbation.

Long distance relationships are difficult because of a lack of physical contact between lovers, and often don’t work out well because of this disconnection, but that being said there is some good news for you. Obviously your boyfriend is so sexually starved that his balls could pass as residents of “Smurf Village,” and, in a moment of desperation, has suggested that you both try to have “sex” through a webcam, which means he isn’t cheating on you. I would definitely try to satisfy his needs in some way, lest the mixture of constant overcast rain and sexual frustration cause him to borrow a shotgun and retreat to his greenhouse.

“Skype sex,” though I can’t say I know from experience, is a mixture between phone sex and porn with a dial-up Internet connection. One thing you have to worry about is the possible Internet lag time. Hopefully, when you’re both moaning and groaning near sexual climax, the screen doesn’t go black with flashing bars that say “buffering” underneath them (although he’s probably doing some “buffing”). You also want to avoid a tape or audio delay. It would be very off-putting if he sees you on screen fully clothed and showing him your new pair of boots but hears you yelling “Oh my god I’m so horny! Put it in!” My point is make sure you do a dress rehearsal before the live performance.

Like I said in the first paragraph, the only way you can really accomplish this is if you both pleasure yourselves. You can either do this the way God may or may not have intended, or you can grab some toys at the local sex shop. I suppose you could strategically place your computers somewhere you can see them while simultaneously thrusting back and forth against the camera, but that would be unbelievably stupid, and you wouldn’t get any physical pleasure out of it. Just set the computers in front of you, get naked, make some strange faces and noises while rubbing your naughty parts, and then lie and say to each other that it was “kind of like the real thing.”

If you can’t get the real thing, I say give it a shot, hopefully his doesn’t land on the keyboard.

Think of the money you’ll save on condoms,

V

September 18, 2011

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