Dear V

Dear V: Put the burning beast to bed…

Dear V,

I have a huge problem that has been getting in the way of my everyday life. My RA suggested I contact you with my situation in hopes that you’ll be able to help. I came to college as a virgin, but now after being here for only a few weeks I’ve slept with six girls. I feel like I’m cool, but the thing is, I’ve hated it every time and worst of all it stings like hell down there after I cum. Is this normal? What should I do? And why do people enjoy this? Help!

Clueless and in Pain

 

Dear Abstinence-Only Sex Education,

“…it stings like hell down there after I cum. Is this normal?” Are you serious? When you first tugged on your willy in sixth grade, did it sting then? If so, you have a major bone to pick with your parents, who forgot to inform you that you may have been born with the sex-ed equivalent of the “Cavity Creeps.” How can you even entertain the possibility that this “stinging” is normal? That’s like being in the punch line at Jonestown and asking your neighbor, “Are you supposed to violently convulse whenever you drink fruit punch?” Come on man, who taught your sex-ed class? Bonzo the Chimp? Seriously, get to the clinic. In the meantime, you need to stop having sex NOW, and call EVERYONE you had sex with and tell them to release the Prisoners of War they’re currently holding captive.

Dude, you have an STD. You’re not “cool,” but obviously your thumb is so far off of the pulse of reality that the “Son of Sam” killer is calling you delusional. I hate to roast you like this, but come on, if you’re going to try to play the Wilt Chamberlain game (not that “basketball” one), you need to know the rules first. I responded to a post like this about a week ago, so refer to that for my thoughts on promiscuity and the risks therein, but in the mean time check into the Health Center and have your decks swabbed. There are these things called condoms; you should check them out. They work great for preventing STDs, unless you’re allergic to latex, in which case you can either get some made of polyurethane or sheepskin. However, the sheepskin ones don’t protect against STDs and, in a way, wearing one means you’re technically sodomizing a sheep (this isn’t rural Scotland).

Let’s address one more thing. You hated it every time? Is this Jerry Fallwell-esque Christian guilt? I mean, if you hate it, or feel guilty, then stop doing it. Are you gay? I don’t mean that to be pejorative, but if you hate sex with a woman, maybe play on the other team once. You might enjoy it more. Usually if I hate something I don’t repeat it FIVE more times, but maybe I’m old-fashioned. Try finding someone you care about. Try monogamy. Maybe you won’t feel so horrible because it will mean something to you. Regardless, good luck, seriously get checked and don’t keep your partners in the dark.

 

Now give yourself a round of applause,

V

September 7, 2011

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