Dear V

Dear V: Put the burning beast to bed…

Dear V,

I have a huge problem that has been getting in the way of my everyday life. My RA suggested I contact you with my situation in hopes that you’ll be able to help. I came to college as a virgin, but now after being here for only a few weeks I’ve slept with six girls. I feel like I’m cool, but the thing is, I’ve hated it every time and worst of all it stings like hell down there after I cum. Is this normal? What should I do? And why do people enjoy this? Help!

Clueless and in Pain

 

Dear Abstinence-Only Sex Education,

“…it stings like hell down there after I cum. Is this normal?” Are you serious? When you first tugged on your willy in sixth grade, did it sting then? If so, you have a major bone to pick with your parents, who forgot to inform you that you may have been born with the sex-ed equivalent of the “Cavity Creeps.” How can you even entertain the possibility that this “stinging” is normal? That’s like being in the punch line at Jonestown and asking your neighbor, “Are you supposed to violently convulse whenever you drink fruit punch?” Come on man, who taught your sex-ed class? Bonzo the Chimp? Seriously, get to the clinic. In the meantime, you need to stop having sex NOW, and call EVERYONE you had sex with and tell them to release the Prisoners of War they’re currently holding captive.

Dude, you have an STD. You’re not “cool,” but obviously your thumb is so far off of the pulse of reality that the “Son of Sam” killer is calling you delusional. I hate to roast you like this, but come on, if you’re going to try to play the Wilt Chamberlain game (not that “basketball” one), you need to know the rules first. I responded to a post like this about a week ago, so refer to that for my thoughts on promiscuity and the risks therein, but in the mean time check into the Health Center and have your decks swabbed. There are these things called condoms; you should check them out. They work great for preventing STDs, unless you’re allergic to latex, in which case you can either get some made of polyurethane or sheepskin. However, the sheepskin ones don’t protect against STDs and, in a way, wearing one means you’re technically sodomizing a sheep (this isn’t rural Scotland).

Let’s address one more thing. You hated it every time? Is this Jerry Fallwell-esque Christian guilt? I mean, if you hate it, or feel guilty, then stop doing it. Are you gay? I don’t mean that to be pejorative, but if you hate sex with a woman, maybe play on the other team once. You might enjoy it more. Usually if I hate something I don’t repeat it FIVE more times, but maybe I’m old-fashioned. Try finding someone you care about. Try monogamy. Maybe you won’t feel so horrible because it will mean something to you. Regardless, good luck, seriously get checked and don’t keep your partners in the dark.

 

Now give yourself a round of applause,

V

September 7, 2011

Reporters


Around the Web
  • Miami Herald
  • UM News
  • Error

University of Miami linebacker Jamie Gordinier has had another unfortunate setback, effectively side ...

The calmest coach on the planet got mad Friday after football practice. University of Miami coach Ma ...

Lester Williams wasn’t on the field playing for the Miami Hurricanes when they won their first natio ...

An extremely frustrated University of Miami football coach Mark Richt began his media availability b ...

UM chatter: • One lesson learned in recent years, as one UM official put it: Don’t get your hopes up ...

UM’s new chief academic officer holds some 40 patents, and in 2017 was inducted into the National Ac ...

University of Miami students and researchers are blogging during a month-long expedition in the Gulf ...

María de Lourdes Dieck-Assad, a world-renowned economist and former ambassador, fills a new role for ...

Through the U Dreamers Grant, DACA students find essential support as they pursue their college degr ...

UM students talk about their internships up north in a city that never sleeps. ...

RSS Error: A feed could not be found at http://www.hurricanesports.com/. A feed with an invalid mime type may fall victim to this error, or SimplePie was unable to auto-discover it.. Use force_feed() if you are certain this URL is a real feed.

TMH Twitter Feed
About TMH

The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly on Thursdays during the regular academic year.