V's Take

Dear V: I am not a whore, but I like to do it…

I recently had my first serious relationship. It was not that lengthy but it was hot and heavy, and I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. Since we broke up, I’ve been feeling like I can have sex with however many people I want and that would be OK, because it is not “the first time” anymore. I am kind of concerned that I am becoming a “slut.” It has become an obsession of mine and all I think about is screwing guys. I have even started recently watching pornography. Are these bro-like tendencies normal for a young woman, and if not, HELP!

Sincerely,

If You Seek Amy

Dear What‘s your phone number,

It is perfectly natural for any young man or woman to enjoy sex. After all, it’s probably a human being’s most basic carnal instinct. Sex fulfills nearly every mental and physical need we have, and there’s no shame in indulging every once in a while, but when you make it a habit, a few problems present themselves.

You were in an exceptionally rare circumstance – you came to college a virgin. That’s good and bad. It’s good because you didn’t appear as one of the easy women on the high school hookup roll-call list (also known as the stall door in the men’s bathroom), but it’s bad because it’s much easier to be wild in college than it is in your parents’ basement. I’m glad you notified me, because right now you’re on path to becoming the most educated lot lizard in Miami-Dade County, and that position carries no esteem whatsoever. If you don’t try to make a change, instead of your previous employment and life experience, your resume will soon include how many revolutions per second you can move your tongue and how many of your STDs are treatable with antibiotics.

First of all, stop watching porn. The worst thing you can do for your interminable sex drive is become a full-fledged sexual voyeur. With each thrust of Ron Jeremy’s schwantz, your sexual tension builds and God help whatever nubile young man you pull into your room that night. You have to figure out what triggers these raw emotions. Keep note of the things that set you off into a sexual frenzy. Once you figure out your triggers, you can either try to avoid those things, or if they’re due to some sort of emotional struggle in your head, try to rectify them. You could also try buying a vibrator or just masturbating in general. Even though it has been proven by non-science that masturbation makes you grow hair on your knuckles, lowers your voice and makes you responsible for the genocide in Rwanda, sometimes it’s a necessary evil that we all need to release that built-up tension. Find some personal time, and instead of spending it with frat boy elite, Spuds McKenzie, spend it with Rosie Palmer.

Remember that if you continue to go down the path you’re going, all willy-nilly fellating every guy you come in contact with, you’re going to have to visit the Health Center a few times, and believe me, we can all spot who in there has the common cold and who’s doing the walk of shame. You can tell us you were getting a pap smear all you want; we know you’re really trying to evict some unwanted tenants. STDs are no joke anymore, especially considering that one in every four people at the club has one, according to some study that I read one time. I just hope that when you’re out playing Madonna you at least have the sense to wear a condom. I know they greatly diminish the fun, but you’ll thank Trojan later when you don’t have bumps in your nether realm. Sperm also makes babies, so let’s try to stave Junior off as long as we can.

Chastity belt will arrive in 7-10 business days,

V

Have a question for V? Hit up DearV@themiamihurricane.com.

August 28, 2011

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