Dear V

Dear V: I’ve got more than spirit on these fingers…

Dear V,

A couple weeks ago I had I guess what you call an “encounter” with a stripper.  To be more specific, my buddies had a stripper over at their apartment and we all got pretty into it, especially with all the booze.  I went to put a dollar in the lovely lady’s g-string and fingers went places they probably weren’t supposed to go.  Before I could even realize what actually happened (I was pretty intoxicated), the stripper started getting really into it and went nuts.  It’s whatever I suppose; I washed my hands about ten times and moved on.  The only thing is now my friends will not let it go; no matter what.  They always bring it up to people even when they don’t even know the person.  It’s cool to shoot the shit with my boys but I don’t want outsiders to hear this story and get the wrong impression of me.  What can I do to get them to filter themselves around other people?

Sincerely,

Finished Being Mr. Fingers

Dear Fingers,

Sorry to be a bitch, but please let me take this time to find the humor in your situation. (HAHAHAHAHA….) I’ve had some interesting encounters with both male and female strippers, and I definitely have some good stories from a variety of good nights but I think your story is pretty high up there on the list of hilariousness. I can’t offer too much advice as to getting your friends to stop bringing it up. It’s too good and too amazingly awesome for a bunch of guys to not talk about it on the regular. Look at it this way, one of the main reasons for their incessant teasing is because you got in a stripper’s pants and they didn’t. Think about it, guys love to tell stories about the multitude of girls they get down with. Not many can gloat about diddling a stripper, in public, where she initiated the desire and then proceeded to get off in front of everyone. Not to blow up your head but you’re the closest thing that your friends have to a real-life hero at this point in time. So let them make you their king.

As far as talking about your epic night in front of others, especially girls, it’s perfectly understandable why you are more than ready to abdicate your throne. If you have tried to talk to them about keeping your indiscretions discreet, then it’s you turn to play dirty for a little bit. I’m not fostering you telling random strangers their darkest secrets but next time your finger activities are mentioned, bring up how Johnny loves to masturbate to Celine Dion music. Homies will shut it pretty quickly. Good luck with your future endeavors. Stay away from intimate situations with strippers, best personal advice I can give you.

With love,

V

April 17, 2011

Reporters

The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly on Thursdays during the regular academic year.