Dear V

Dear V: I’m a conflicted confidante

Dear V,

I have a problem that is causing me a lot of stress involving my best friend. She is married and has only been married for a short period of time. My friend is really happy with her husband and they make a great couple. However, within the past couple months my friend’s husband got deployed, putting a damper on their new marriage. The other day my friend called me and told me that she had phone sex with another man. I don’t know what to do. Should I say something or keep my mouth shut? I don’t want to make my friend mad at me. Do you consider this cheating?


Conflicted Confidante

Dear Conflicted Confidante,

Man, you have found yourself in quite the predicament! While you know that your best friend is in the wrong, you feel that you cannot say or do anything that could compromise your friendship and potentially destroy her marriage. Being a bystander in a situation such as this can be very difficult because often our own morals and conscience as to what we would do concerning an issue may lead to conflict with our feelings of loyalty to a pal.

So the question is do you do what you think is moral and say something to her and maybe even her husband or do you keep your lips sealed and your friendship remains unscathed? Honestly, I cannot tell you what to do. It is what you value more: you and your friend’s integrity or your bond.

I can, however, tell you my feelings concerning the situation. I do not and have never supported cheating, which is what your buddy did if there still remains any confusion. Just because they didn’t actually touch each other doesn’t mean that it’s not cheating. Homegirl and random desperate boy, to put it nicely, “satisfied” each other in ways that most friends do not do. I don’t think hubby would buy the excuse that pictures of lovely abdominals were part of a meaningless chat with an old acquaintance or at least not a chat that hubby would approve of.

All of this being said, I can see where your friend is coming from. When you are in love, especially when you first get married, it’s hard to keep your hands to yourself. All you want to do is jump all over the love of your life and have a damn fantastic time. Having one’s husband deployed puts a huge hold on that plan. Serving our country is an admirable duty and one that everyone should be proud of; however, when you first get married, the last thing on one’s mind is to move thousands of miles away for an extended period of time in a potentially violent environment.

Some people have enough trouble keeping it in their pants in a long-distance relationship where they can talk to their significant other daily and make plans to see each other! I can only imagine the difficulties some people would have with the impossibly far distance.

People have needs. TRUST ME, I get it.

Talk to your friend since the situation is really bothering you. This is not a burden that you should be dealing with. Explain your opinions to your bud and be there for her if she needs you. I wish there was an easy solution, but you have to figure out where your loyalties lie first. Best of luck with it all and may I suggest telling your friend there are other ways of pleasing herself while her husband is away? I don’t think any elaboration is necessary.

With love,


Have a question for V? Hit up or on Twitter at @Dear_V.

January 23, 2011



Advice Columnist

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