V's Take

Dear V: Why won’t my boyfriend seal the deal?

Dear V,

I am dating this awesome guy; he’s cute and fun and we get along great. And our chemistry is WOW. Just one thing: He won’t seal the deal. We have done just about everything else and it’s great. I know he wants to do the deed, but he just won’t do it. I don’t know if he’s worried about how it will affect things or what, but I mean a girl’s got needs! What can I do?

Frustrated Fox

Frustrated Fox,

Well, this does seem to show that stereotypes cannot be taken too closely to heart and that a man isn’t always ready to get down to it, regardless of his feelings for the person he is interested in.
I’ve found this to be caused by two main reasons if the man is truly interested: Either a girl is more experienced than her boyfriend, or the two have shared a past as friends and it is difficult for one of the partners to take that final leap.
The reason for the former could be overall performance anxiety on his part, regardless of the fact that he may have had his share of experiences as well. If he views you as being more comfortable sexually, then he may have naturally have some anxiety.
The other problem could stem from the fact that you two may have started out as friends and it might be difficult for him to take the leap and cross that final line that will officially mark the end of the friend stage.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Great, I might have an idea as to why, but what can I do to get some? Simple. If his trepidation is related to the former of the two possible reasons, then trying to approach the situation by displaying an overtly sexual side of yourself might hinder any progress you want to make in terms of actually ‘nailing the guy.’ If it relates to the latter of the two, however, exuding a fun, playful and overtly sexual role might help if he just needs that extra push and encouragement to show that you are okay with taking your relationship to that next level.
While I’m sure that you’ve discussed this with him, don’t forget the power of words in any relationship: That really is the only way to get to the bottom of the issue at hand. Whether it’s performance anxiety, nerves, or perhaps some deep seeded internalized issue that he has yet to unveil to you, the only way you can get a better sense of his hesitation is by bluntly (but calmly) asking him.
Don’t fret, my little fox. Assuming  he isn’t actually a closet case, his natural desire to connect sexually with you will come forward. Just address the root of his anxiety and then, ideally, lay back (or on top, reversed, or whatever tickles your fancy) and enjoy the ride.

Best,

V

Have a question for V? Hit up DearV@themiamihurricane.com.

November 7, 2010

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


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