Dear V

Dear V: I’m caught up in ‘big love’

Dear V,

For the last two months I have been having relations with a really great girl I just met. It was nothing exclusive, we both agreed on this, but that didn’t take away from how wonderful it was. Meanwhile, over these last two months I have also been having relations with a really great guy I just met. Both of my partners know that I am bisexual, it was brought up on the first date. Both of them know that we are not exclusive. But I never specifically told them I was seeing someone else on a pretty regular basis. It occurred to me that since these are two people who I truly like, and who are currently playing big roles in my life, I should introduce them. I felt that they would be mature and open enough to handle the situation with care. When they met they got along surprisingly well and I couldn’t have been happier. It turns out they got on a little too well. Within three days, they were dating and refusing to return my calls or speak to me at all. I am devastated. How can I recover?

Double Dipper

Well Double Dipper,

This is truly an interesting case. I’d imagine a situation like this unfolding on a daytime soaps rather than in everyday life. Unfortunately, this is a reality for you.

Firstly, and I do hate to say this, answer this question yourself: What were you hoping for after they met?

I want you to come to a basic realization that might help you gain some peace from the situation: Unless you were striving for a bona fide polyamorous relationship, you were going to have break it off with one of these people at some point. So, to put it bluntly, you were going to have that feeling of loss one way or another.

The second area I want you to focus on is the concept that you are longing over people who have an obvious disregard for you. They effortlessly cut you out of their lives, yet you crave their attention. I know that is common after most break-ups for at least one partner, but just think of it like a pet rock. You can dress it up and convince yourself you truly care for it. But at the end of the day, it’s still a stone-cold dead weight with which you’re wasting your time and emotions. Put this fixation and care into something useful!

Finally, let this be a realization to your concept of “exclusivity” in a relationship. You all seemed to have an understanding that you were in no way exclusive with one another. After all, you ended up in the middle of a three-way relationship of sorts. While I support your desire to keep your options open, just remember that the person you’re with gets to play by the same rules, and thus, you risk losing them.

A reality you’re quite familiar with now.

This rut that you’ve found yourself in will get better and your heart will start pounding for some scantily clad blond or brunette (either sex works in this scenario). Just give it time and for the next time, go into the relationship with the knowledge you’ve learned from the past.

On a side note and for future reference: When people say they have a fear of their “two worlds colliding,” introducing your boyfriend to your girlfriend should definitely be classified as foreseeable “collision.” It’s what common sense should have told you, but clearly did not.

Get well soon,



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October 31, 2010



Advice Columnist

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