Dear V,
A couple weeks before school started, the most significant boyfriend in my life broke up with me. We decided to remain friends even though it was going to take some time for me to recover from this. Recently, he’s started seeing someone else. None of this would be so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that he acts like everything is OK, like nothing bad ever happened. We’ve had a few conversations in which I’ve expressed my feelings and heartbreak. Yet, when we’re not behind closed doors, his actions don’t show his comprehension.
I’ve accepted that things are over between us, but I’m having some trouble letting go. It’s so bad that I’ve agreed to still be friends with him just because it makes him happy. For the first time in my life, a guy’s happiness has superseded my own. His very existence is eating me from the inside out. I’m doing nothing about it because as long as he’s happy, I can find some satisfaction in that. I want to let go. I want to knee him in the balls, but I can’t bring myself to follow through.
Before we started dating, we were really good friends. If I can’t have him as a significant other, I still want to be friends. I just don’t see how things can go back to the way they were, much less back to a friendship that is stable. As a boyfriend, he was one of the best things that ever happened to me, and he destroyed me in a two-minute phone conversation. Now, I’m at a loss for words.
Thoughts? Any ideas for how I can get better?
Trying to be the Heroine
My Heroine,
This is an issue that people face far too often. Individuals put their needs to the wayside in order to appeal to the one that they desire, consciously or subconsciously. I can personally attest to suffering from such predicaments in the past. No one is immune from this act of “selflessness.” No one.
I use this term selflessness very loosely. Rather then the typical denotations of the word, I think of it more in terms of its construct. You are thinking of yourself far less than one should.
My best remedy for such an ailment would involve quitting him cold-turkey, so to speak. You seem to be at a state where you have a vested interest in his life; however, it’s time to reclaim your own.
I know that simply cutting such an integral component of your everyday life out seems like a harsh request, but it will allow you to see that life continues beyond his realm. And keep in mind, this removal is not necessarily permanent.
Once you have taken the time to focus on your own well-being, which hopefully includes dating, your own personal ambitions as well as a more “selfish” outlook that doesn’t involve seeking any opportunity to be present in his life, then you can eventually let him back in to your world, if you so chose.
This question you ask poses multiple micro-questions within it. However, the main point I want to stress is not how to exist in a world where the person you long for coexists with you but, rather, how to exist in the world where a relationships is simply a ‘value add’ rather then a “raison d’etre” (reason for existence).
My best suggestion holds firm: A bit of separation will a go a long way for you.
Please consider,
V
Have a question for V? Hit up DearV@themiamihurricane.com or follow V on Twitter at @Dear_V.