Dear V

Dear V: Dream sex with an ex… with my boyfriend next to me

Dear V,

I have been in a great relationship for about five months now with an amazing guy.  Lately, I have been having sex dreams (even when we spend the night together) about my ex-boyfriend, with whom things did not end on the best terms about a year ago.  Usually I resist him in the dreams, but sometimes I end up giving in.  I wake up feeling really guilty and don’t know how to stop dreaming about my ex.  Do you think these dreams mean anything?

– Not-So-Sweet Dreams

Dear Sweet,

We often dream about things that are on our mind: desires, goals, concerns, etc.  But our dreams aren’t always the most blatantly obvious portrayal of what we think about while we are awake.  Sometimes it helps to put a little thought into our dreams in order to discover any possible hidden meanings.

The first thing that you need to do is start a journal of your dreams. The moment you wake up, write about what you experience while you sleep.  Give a play-by-play of what happens, along with any images or emotions that stand out to you.  This can help you map out how often you are having dreams about your ex, and find any recurring patterns that might be taking place.

While I am not a dream interpreter, I’d be happy to take a stab at the common symbols that appear in your dreams.

Let’s start with the ex.  You might be dreaming about him because you are in a fresh relationship.  As you mentioned, things did not end well with this former flame.  These dreams of him could be indicative of your desire to not make the same mistakes again with your new boo.

And of course, there’s the sex.  Dreaming about sex often represents reservations that you have in your waking life.   In this case, perhaps this reservation revolves around your current relationship.

At this time in your five-month relationship, things are probably moving past “fling” and into the realms of “serious.” This could be scary, and after an unhappy ending with your ex, I am sure that you might be experiencing a few small concerns about being in love again.

Meanwhile, make sure you continue the log.  Things like location, feelings, and objects that pop up in the dreams (no pun intended) might also provide invaluable insight to what you are going through.  You can find dream dictionaries in any bookstore or online, which could help you decipher the things that confuse you.

I’ll close with this most import piece of advice:  don’t let these dreams get you down!  If things are really going well with your boyfriend, my gut tells me that you have nothing to worry about.  Your jitters seem completely normal.  Deal with them one day at a time.  Just sit back, relax, and take pleasure in your new love.

Best of luck!


September 21, 2009



Advice Columnist

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