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15 October 2008

Dear V: What should I do after failing my personal taste test?

DISCLAIMER: The following column includes graphic sexual content. If you are not comfortable with this subject matter, The Hurricane advises that you not read any further. The question has been edited for content.

It’s been said that blowjobs are like roses for men, and I definitely agree. I love getting “blowskis” from my girlfriend, but lately she hasn’t been migrating south as usual, so I asked her what’s up. She explained that I just doesn’t taste like I should. After talking to her, I got curious and wanted to make sure that it was the real reason for our drought, so I sampled it myself. To my surprise, it was worse than I thought. Is there any way to sweeten this stew? Or am I just doomed to get bad reviews from my female taste-testers?

-Not Sweet Enough

 

Dear Not Sweet Enough, 

This is important. It’s so important that a “Sex and the City” episode was dedicated to this issue. It’s so important that you can ask almost any guy and he’ll have an answer for you faster than you can say “blowski.” It’s so important that there are entire Web sites dedicated to providing bullet point after bullet point of advice on how to “sweeten the stew,” as you so eloquently put it.

The fact is that these “man roses” are more than just a nice treat – they signify the essence of your manhood. And in the realization that your relationship has taken a sour turn in correlation to this lack of activity, it’s definitely a priority to get to the bottom of this dilemma and to prevent an eternal drought for your own sanity.

Go ahead and let out a sigh of relief. You are not doomed to the disapproval of your “female taste-testers” and there are supposedly plenty of ways of improving the flavor of your protein. I’m not a doctor, so obviously my advice is not medically substantiated, but I’ll give it my best.

What you eat influences the way you taste, which makes sense. I asked around a little bit and found out that fruit, especially pineapple, significantly improves the flavor. Foods like garlic, asparagus and red meat supposedly contribute to a sour or bitter flavor, so maybe cut back on those. Perhaps the saying, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” should be appended with “and keeps the ladies down south.”

By changing your lifestyle in the most simple of ways, you increase your chances getting a happy ending. And that’s what she said.

Best of luck

V!

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