If this is the first time you’ve received this invitation then let me be the first to invite you to the inauguration of President Bubba “QB” Smith.
We like to think Bubba’s ascension to the most powerful office in the nation demonstrates the continuing relevance of the oft-maligned American Dream. From an early age he showed a remarkable aptitude for leadership that manifested itself in his election to the captaincy of his high school football team. An impressive career on the field through state school and a brief tenure in the NFL gave his future constituency ample time to admire the leadership skills, honesty, and faith of their community’s first citizen.
For those who assert that some of Bubba’s youthful indiscretions ought to have kept him from this office, we can say only this: should those drinks he had and those women he impregnated be a scar on his record or an example of the place from which he has come? We are, after all, proud to say that Bubba has been with his current wife for over six months now.
It pleases us to reflect on the turn this campaign took during its final weeks. That other candidate, who shall remain nameless, tried with his crass partisanship to paint Bubba as a mindless and hotheaded fool with no experience! Thankfully you, the people, knew otherwise and understood that the other candidate was nothing more than a prop of the elitist media.
Bubba represents and will take into account the particular interests of all groups, but he has vowed to pay special attention to you blue-collar white heartlanders who have been so underserved in recent years. He refuses to accept the assertion so popular in politics these past several years that you as a group are composed of different types of people who have different interests in mind. How absurd! Who in their right mind can speak of politics as a game not of groups but of individuals? Bubba certainly doesn’t, and that is why in his term he promises to do nothing but give small concessions to various groups just to keep them happy and create the illusion of substantive governance.
Thank you for your support!
“Bubba Smith: “Guns, God, and Glory in ‘12”
Please direct all questions to bubbasmithhandlers@bubbasmith.com. Mr. Smith cannot be bothered with details.