Dear V

Dear V: Do regrettable one-night stands make me a slut?

Dear V,

I just had a one-night stand and feel really horrible about it. I went out and drank too much and ended up back at this guy’s house. I knew I didn’t really like him but felt like I kind of had to sleep with him just because I agreed to go back to his house. In the morning he didn’t even know my name. I feel disgusting. I have had one-night stands in the past but always with people I know, but recently I started to feel really horrible about it. I have been in love with a guy for over a year now and we were seeing each other and sleeping together, then I found out he had a new girlfriend. The truth is that he was embarrassed by me. I am 19 and have slept with seven people. Most of them I have regretted. But it’s not as if I even enjoy sex that much, I only enjoy it when I’m in a long-term relationship, and every time I have slept with some one I have been drunk. Am I a slut?

-Down In Love

I wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re a slut. Maybe more of a lush with little self-control? The point is that who you are is measured by how you feel about what you do. Obviously you feel bad about the decisions you make, so it leads you to feel like a slut. And while many people may define you as a slut and many others wouldn’t, what matters is how you deal with your decisions and how you decide to conduct yourself in the future.

One of the reasons many girls turn to drunken one-night stands is that they feel insecure about themselves or feel like they aren’t worthy of having higher standards. You may not consciously make the decision to indiscriminately have sex with a stranger, but you may subconsciously think, “I’m an embarrassment to the ‘good guy’ in my life, I am only worthy of being ‘that girl’ whose name won’t be remembered the next day.”

And you know that’s a big fat lie if you ever knew one. You know that this kind of sex makes you feel like crap and only digs you deeper into a hole of shame and degradation. Instead, make the decision to love yourself above anything or anyone else. You don’t love that other guy, how could you love someone who thinks you aren’t good enough to date but good enough to sleep with in the meantime? And you definitely don’t love those one-night stands; you know how it makes you feel.

Stand up for yourself and know that you are worthy of a nice guy who cares about you. Know that you can’t meet someone while drunk and make the decision to sleep with him that same night while keeping your standards for what constitutes meaningful sex. It may be hard in the beginning to say “no” to what you’re so used to saying “yes” to, but the stronger your convictions, the better your results will be in your love life and the better you will end up feeling about yourself.

September 24, 2008

Reporters

V

Advice Columnist


3 COMMENTS ON THIS POST To “Dear V: Do regrettable one-night stands make me a slut?”

  1. Dave says:

    I’m afraid I have to disagree strongly with Vinny’s comment. I am in no position to tell “Down in Love” how to live her life, but I will say this: a true nice guy (the sort you might want to keep) is the guy who knows all about you, including the bad, but wants to stay with you because he actually likes you.

    I’m not even saying this to suggest that “Down in Love” has what some might see as a bad past. She doesn’t. She’s just having a hard time, like we all do sometimes.

    No need to judge yourself harshly – just gently take some steps to make sure you’re less likely to put yourself in a position where something might happen that you know you’ll regret. If it’s avoiding a bar for a while or saying ‘no’ to some guy you’ll never see again anyway , then so be it.

    I know I sound a bit like Oprah, but be kind to yourself -really kind- and do what it takes to keep yourself safe, healthy and happy. No way are you a slut – just human.

  2. Nick Manning says:

    Just what I like…

  3. Vinny says:

    When you meet a nice guy, be sure not to tell him about your past, or else he’ll drop you like a hot potato.

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