Dear V

Dear V: Riding out the rut requires some serious effort


I have been dating my girlfriend for about four months. I really like her, but I noticed that we are a really boring couple. We sit around watching stupid TV shows all the time and eat in silence at pretty much every meal. We haven’t had sex because my girlfriend hasn’t wanted to, even though she used to have sex with her ex all the time. Not just that, we barely ever do anything remotely sexual. I’m bored. I don’t know what to do.

– Bored Joe


You, my friend, are in a rut. That’s a huge bummer, but at least you have a good reason to reevaluate what you want from a relationship – and to have some fun shaking things up! After all, you aren’t the only one whose expectations aren’t being met. Sweats and T-shirts may be comfortable, but it won’t get you on the cover of any magazines. 

You need to be honest with yourself and objective about the situation without forgetting why you are with your girlfriend in the first place. True, it has only been four months and usually people are still dizzy with the excitement of a new relationship at this stage of the game, but then again, this is life and what’s true for most people doesn’t mean it’s true for you.

Maybe both of you are really fun to be around individually. Maybe you just need to remember that being in a relationship doesn’t mean changing your life to the point where you are no longer who you used to be pre-relationship. That’s what’s wonderful about finding the right girlfriend/boyfriend: they make you a better person, not a boring person.

Think of all the exciting things you used to do before you got into this rut and find a way to enjoy these activities as a couple. Your options aren’t limited to being (a) single and fun or (b) coupled and boring. Instead, choose (c) the awesome couple everyone wishes they could be.

As far as the sex issue, find out what your girlfriend’s reasons are for her decision. Whatever the reason is, knowing it will make you a more understanding boyfriend. Who knows, maybe she’s feeling the same way and is just waiting for you to push the right button to get things going.

Best of luck!


Please send probing inquiries to

September 4, 2008



Advice Columnist

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