Don’t keep giving out free milk

Dear Hurriqueen,

I’ve been talking to this guy online for about two weeks and we ended up getting hot and heavy over the phone. I’m not really into phone sex, but it was really hot. Now he isn’t returning my calls or texts and I feel used. We had good conversations and I truly enjoyed flirting and getting to know one another before. I don’t want to be needy so I stopped calling and I haven’t heard from him. Did he get what he wanted and scram? What do I do?

~ Trying Not to be Desperate

Dear Trying Not to be Desperate,

My grandma might argue there’s nothing more foolish than having sex with a man on the first date, but I think your question brings the foolishness to a whole new level. There’s a good ol’ cliché of a question that highlights my point: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

If you’re not catching my drift, let me spell it out for you: Telephone poon tang boy is looking for some milk. And you’re the hot mess of a cow, squirting that stuff out from one cell phone to the next. To the dude on the receiving end, he’s getting exactly what he wanted without having to lift a finger – well, almost.

He probably didn’t call you back because he had no incentive to do so. And though he may have gotten thirsty in the days following your conversation, he likely felt too embarrassed to attempt something normal with someone he got off with on a telephone. Or maybe all of your phone calls and texts scared him. But what if he has a girlfriend? He could have lost his cell phone, too.

We could continue speculating, but at some point you’ve got to throw the dirty tissue in the garbage, move on, and search MySpace for a new phone buddy. right?

Wrong! You must realize that not only should you stop obsessing over this call-and-run fella, but that you need to ask yourself why you had phone sex with a stranger in the first place.

If phone sex is your usual way of getting sexual attention from men, it would appear as though you should take some time for evaluation. Ask yourself, is this the type of interaction I want with men? Do I deserve more than moaning into a telephone?

Really sweetie, I hope the answer is yes, in which case here’s my advice: stop settling. Get off the Internet, put the phone down, and open yourself up to the idea of meeting a person in the flesh.

Keep me updated.

The Hurriqueen.

Send responses and questions to hurriqueen@gmail.com.

April 14, 2008


The Miami Hurricane

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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly on Thursdays during the regular academic year.