I have two questions for you today. The first is, I think I know who you are. So please tell me, are you who I think you are? Because if you are who I think you are, then you already know who I am.
In any case, my real question:
I live off campus with two girls and another guy. The guy is dating one of the girls. One morning I woke up earlier than normal, and I walked in on the dating roommates doing the nasty. They stopped really quickly, but of course it was awkward. And they were doing it with the door open. I don’t really care that they’re having sex – we’re adults, whatever – but how do I approach them about keeping the door shut? It’s really awkward, and now sometimes I’m scared to come out of my room if I wake up earlier than normal. What do I do!?
I know who you are, but you don’t know me. Creeped out yet? I find that you’re fierce and sexy, but I could never risk revealing my true identity, as it would ruin this column. But alas, I digress.
I have thought long and hard about your situation. There are at least three logical explanations why your roommates are acting as if your house were a porn studio.
First, maybe they shut the door only to discover that it opened sometime before you saw them spanking each other. Second, maybe they were so intoxicated that they didn’t realize the door was open. And lastly, maybe they wanted you to see them. Kinky.
But seriously here, who am I to speculate? Whether your roommates are idiots, druggies or seeking a threesome with you, the fact remains that you are uncomfortable seeing their hole and pole unite.
And because of this, you have no choice but to make your feelings known. You can continue being a wussy pushover who stays in his room until he is expected to wake, or you can take charge and tell your nasty roomies that it is time to cut out the public displays of erection.
I say you go with the latter option. Sit down with the two of them and politely say that privacy is important to you and you would really appreciate it if they could keep their door closed. Sure, it’s going to be awkward to say, but do you really want to see them exchange bodily fluids for the rest of the semester?
Send questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. He’ll get to them, if he feels like it.