This has been edited since publication in the print version.
V,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a month. We have a good sex life, but he’s never gone down on me. How can I bring it up? I think that that kind of openness is essential to any strong relationship and that it’s just the next step for us as a couple.
~Wanting More
Dear Wanting More,
It’s great that you feel close to your boyfriend and confident about your relationship, however new it may be. I agree that intimacy and openness are important in any strong relationship, but you need to keep in mind that it’s also important for the two of you to be on the same page. Different people define openness in different ways. Everyone has a timeline that they find appropriate for a new relationship. In order to take the next step in your relationship, you have to get to know your boyfriend better and understand where he wants things to go and how he wants to get there.
Maybe your boyfriend hasn’t gone down on you because he thinks it’s too soon. Many people consider oral sex to be more intimate than intercourse. Maybe your boyfriend wants to take things slow. Maybe he doesn’t know what you want sexually (well, clearly he doesn’t). All of these possibilities only show that you and your boyfriend don’t know each other as well as you think. But that’s what dating is all about! It the very beginning of the relationship; there is a lot for you to learn about each other. Besides, getting to know each other and building your relationship is the fun part, so what’s the rush?
In time, your boyfriend will learn what pleases you the most. Make sure to let him know what gets you off and what doesn’t quite do the trick. Remember that you gotta give a little to get a little. There’s much to be said of learning about what gets him going too. Different people draw lines in different places and that crossing that fine line can put you and your boyfriend in an uncomfortable situation.
Let things progress in good time and you will get to where you two want to be before you know it. Forget your laundry list of “things a couple should do” and you’ll take more steps in your relationship than you could have planned in the first place.
Best of luck!
V
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