Who doesn’t love another election year? Pulpits around the nation have lain for so long without the impassioned rhetoric of crazed presidential hopefuls that the days were gray and without purpose. Now, though, an ever-diminishing flock of sheep is rushing about the land, each speaking to audiences eager to hear their credentials for the position of chief national idealist. Yet, it is difficult to hear all the candidates in person, so.
Presented here is a handy list detailing essential “facts” about the candidates:
John McCain: He used to be an outsider. Apparently. Some people say he is now the Republican frontrunner. That could change tomorrow. John is famous for being a veteran and clashing with the Bush administration while supporting it. at the same time.
Mitt Romney: Mitt is a former businessman who saved the Olympics from certain destruction. He is also a Mormon, which scares some people, for some reason. And his hair is nice. He wants to be the Republican frontrunner and has changed positions accordingly.
Mike Huckabee: Mike used to be overweight, but now he’s not. He likes to exercise. He also used to be a pastor. Religious conservatives rose up and propelled him to a shocking victory in Iowa. Some person somewhere called him an economic populist, so the name stuck.
Ron Paul: Ron really does want to change things. He opposes the existence of both the Iraq war and the federal government. His campaign was torpedoed by a series of newsletters- not written by him- that emerged with his name attached and made him look like a racist nut.
Barack Obama: Famous for his speech at the 2004 Democratic national convention, Barack has risen somewhat meteorically through the political ranks. He looks good and is not boring. Barack wants to change things and appeals to young people. Did I mention that he is an African-American?
Hillary Clinton: Hillary trumpets her experience as first lady and senator. She is the anti-change candidate, no matter what she says to the contrary. She has two X chromosomes. And her last name is Clinton.
Andrew Hamner, a freshman majoring in journalism and political science. He may be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.