Dear President Shalala(lalalala):
First of all, congratulations on running the upstanding facility we know as the University of Miami. I have to give you props for what you’ve accomplished in your tenure thus far. Your ambition in raising millions of dollars for this institution is commendable. And while I appreciate the lovely campus and gorgeous weather, allow me to take this opportunity to suggest to you an alternate campus beautification plan: steroids.
Before you jump to conclusions, let me explain my position. I like muscles. I like having them and I like looking at them. While the students at UM are certainly a good looking bunch, they’re not quite my type as in my eyes there is more aesthetic appeal to magazines like “Oxygen” and “Muscular Development,” as opposed to “Cosmo” or “Maxim.” For me to find a person attractive, male or female, one needs to at least mimic the appearance of hitting the weights a minimum of 4 days a week.
This is why I am suggesting to you an improvement in the student body (pun intended) by use of steroids. I mean, at the cost of over $1,200/credit at the graduate level the least you could do is include steroids in the tuition. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Issues with legality don’t worry me much as everyone is required to have medical insurance. As far as I know, steroid use monitored by a physician appears to be lawful.
At this point in my life I’m sick of taking out thousands of dollars in loans to pay for my education only to find myself surrounded by people I don’t find attractive. For example, I’m currently paying off debt I incurred for my undergraduate degree from the University of Pennsylvania, a notoriously ugly school – a fact I was willing to let slide for the superior education.
However, when I took the plunge (no pun intended) to pursue my graduate career here at UM I thought things would be different. I understood the expense, but was willing to take out more loans in order to be surrounded by the beautiful model type as opposed to the intellectual brainiac type. Unfortunately, reality fell just short of my expectations and I’m looking at another hefty loan also complete with a lack of visual stimulation.
But you can change all that! You can give me my money’s worth by including steroids in the price of tuition. I’m willing to sacrifice the health of my peers in order to be surrounded by muscles at all times. Heck, I’ll even jump on the steroid bandwagon! Though I’m not about being altruistic, I suppose I can make an exception for what I believe to be a worthy cause.
Hopefully, you can take time off from raising billions of dollars for who-knows-what to help distract me from the fact that the cost of tuition will continue to increase, along with the cost of living and the decreased availability of higher paying jobs. As each day passes, the prospect of paying off my debt becomes evermore distant, along with my aspirations to one day own my own home. Thank you for your time.
Alicia is a first year graduate student concentrating in sports medicine. Arguments may be forwarded to firstname.lastname@example.org and/or posted on The Hurricane’s messageboard at www.themiamihurricane.com.