Opinion

Restasis: helping Borat collect gypsy tears

Some people may feel that “Borat” is overrated. I am not one of them. Sasha Baron Cohen’s portrayal of the character is so convincing that at times you forget he is even acting. It’s brilliant, original and hilarious!

That’s why I would like to take a moment out of my day to make a unique suggestion for Borat, one that will assist him in collecting gypsy tears and therefore providing him more protection from contracting AIDS and increasing our chances of seeing more from him the future.

Recently, I saw a commercial on television. Any normal person would have switched channels or tuned it out, but not me. Being advertised was a prescription drug called Restasis. The website states that Restasis is a medication that “helps increase your eyes’ natural ability to produce tears.” Granted, this is for the treatment of what I’m sure is an actual condition they call “chronic dry eye,” but immediately my mind jumped to the prospect of adapting the product’s use to induce tear production in gypsies.

Now, I’m no scientist, but I think I’m onto something here. If somehow the gypsies can be talked or fooled into taking Restasis, it would no longer be necessary for Borat to get aggressive with them. At one point in the movie Borat became desperate for gypsy tears and said, “You will give me your tears or I will take them from you. Do you understand me, gypsy?” If the gypsy/Midwestern farmer’s daughter had been producing an overabundance of tears, he could have saved himself some grief by simply placing his vial under her tear duct for easy tear cultivation.

I know what you’re thinking: Why turn to prescription drugs when there are more traditional means of producing excess tears? While this argument is valid, studies do indicate that not only is dry eye more prevalent in the gypsy population, but that they are also psychologically hardened, thus more difficult to make cry under any circumstances. For these reasons, I suggest the use of Restasis.

In my mind are several different ideas for transmission. They include, but are not limited to: spiking drinks (similar to roofies), marketing them as gypsy-specific vitamins (like Centrum Silver for seniors) or creating Restasis-laced mints, such as Altoids, that one could offer to a gypsy as a seemingly-friendly gesture.

However, as showcased in the movie “Snatch,” gypsies are both clever and resourceful and I am not certain that my clever idea to help Borat would succeed. In fact, gypsies are so clever that the whole plan might even backfire, causing a worldwide increase in the amount of healthy individuals producing excess tears as a result of accidental Restasis toxicity.

While I’m hopeful that the use of Restasis can help Borat in his quest to cultivate gypsy tears, I’m fairly certain that gypsies are too cunning to succumb to any feeble attempts at tricking them. I guess as a temporary solution for protecting Borat from AIDS, he can be advised not to share needles.

Alicia is a first year graduate student concentrating in sports medicine. Arguments may be forwarded to a.montalvo@umiami.edu and/or posted on The Hurricane’s messageboard at www.themiamihurricane.com.

April 13, 2007

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The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly on Thursdays during the regular academic year.