It’s been a busy time at the U over the last few weeks. From elections of all types to an ambitious building plan, there’s been a lot to talk about. But I’m here to discuss something more important than all of that: the death of innocent unborn babies. More specifically, their callous indifference to a woman’s right to choose. It’s a crime. Who do these babies think they are? Regardless of when life begins, women should have the right to end it.
I see no reason to limit women’s power to just killing babies. Women still don’t make as much money as men, and are underrepresented in Congress. To help even things out, women should be allowed to kill whomever they want. For instance, when making a line at a shopping mall, they would be allowed to do whatever they want with their body. If they want their body to be first in line, they simply would have to invoke their right to choose and kill all of those standing in between. And think about it, parking is such a hassle in Miami. They could just hang a sign from their rearview mirror, a-la handicapped people, and others would know not to get in their way. Well, they could still get in their way, but then they’d be killed.
The Constitution clearly states in an implied, unwritten fashion that women have the right to an abortion. With some simple misinterpretation, we can easily stretch that to other fields. For years, my sister and I argued about whose turn it was to pick the TV show we’d watch while having dinner. In retrospect, risking my life to watch “The Simpsons” was probably not a good idea. Who knew that for all those years, my sister simply had to reference the Constitution of the United States and would have won every time?
My mom is fervently pro-life. She thinks that regardless of women’s right to choose, life begins at conception. Therefore, giving women that right is like giving them a license to kill. I propose a compromise. The U.S. should issue women licenses to kill. They could do it out of the DMV. Women simply get in line (without the license, they would still have to wait) to have their femaleness tested. If they pass, let the killing begin!
Still, something has to be done about these unborn children. They’re making women look bad. They just don’t get it. I scoff at those who call them “helpless.” Frankly, I think it’s pretty evident that they’re not. They repeatedly embarrass the women who murder them. And I’m not going to just sit by and let those little dirtbags do this. That would be a crime.
Anthony Vega is a freshman majoring in finance. He may be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org