Dear V,

I’ve just found out that my (very) recent ex-boyfriend was probably dating a girl from his hometown at the same time we were dating, and is probably the reason we broke up. He obviously did not tell me he was leaving me for someone else. I’ve been running into him a lot, and he keeps telling me he wants us to be friends. Although I don’t think I’m ready for this, I’d like to know if the rumors are true, for my own sense of closure. Do you think I should ask? I feel like I deserve to know. What do I do?

~Needing Closure

Dear Reader,

Wanting closure in a relationship is completely understandable. It must be pretty unnerving to hear that your boyfriend may have been seeing a girl from back home (sorry, boys-just ‘cuz they’re in different zip codes, doesn’t mean it’s not cheating); it’s adding salt to the wound, as they say.

But let’s examine the facts here. Are you sure he was two-timing you? Who gave you the low down here? It’s probably not quite as black-and-white as you’re making it out to be. Do a little sleuthing, check your sources-things may not be what they seem.

If, however, you’re absolutely sure he was cheating, you’ve got to ask yourself: do you really want to hear the truth from him? Even if you think you’re over him, it’s going to hurt. Think about it. What good is this going to do? Chances are you’re just going to start a huge fight, and who comes out feeling crappy? You-and you’re still alone.

I don’t think closure means knowing every little detail about why your relationship ended (especially if it’s going to rip your heart out). It’s about you making peace-with him, with yourself, with the relationship as a whole. You don’t need to know the specifics of his infidelity; it’s painful and unnecessary.

Okay, so if you still feel like you need to talk to this guy, whatever the reason, don’t drag it out or make it more complicated than it needs to be. Remember, it’s over between the two of you-there’s no need to yell, cry or fight.

Confess that you’ve been hearing some unsettling rumors, and that you’d like to know if they’re true. Remind him that you’re not going to bite his head off, you just want closure. If he gets snippy or defensive, then drop it. Honestly, is it really worth getting into a wicked fight?

And props to you for recognizing that you’re not ready to be friends with your ex; it’s definitely a good call. So after you’ve gotten your answer.walk away. Leave it in the past, and move on.

Best of Luck!

V

Fact’o’the Day: “Formicophilia” is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.my, oh, my.

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