Dear V,

I was trying to study orgo in the library this weekend when my ears were assaulted with the smackings and suckings of a make-out session. Two feet away, tucked under the stairs in the lobby, were two people making out like their lives depended on it. Maybe they thought they were invisible there under the stairs. Maybe they live with their Amish parents and are forbidden to date. Whatever the case, what can I do in the future to stop this insanity? Not only were their lusty kisses audible and distracting, but it’s also annoying as hell to see people sucking face everywhere.

Sick of Incessant Face-Sucking

Dear Reader,

Word. I don’t think that it’s possible for people to get any ruder than blatantly making out in the library’s lobby. I guess they must consider lobby kisses daring and risky. Really now, take it to a study room or to the stacks where it belongs. No one, especially someone who is cramming for orgo, should have to be subjected to a couple’s nasty smacking and slurping. As if they couldn’t wait until they got to the car, or even outside of the doors of Otto G. Maybe tomorrow they can have sex next to the turnstiles-now that’s erotic.

As if you didn’t already know, society’s “couple culture” has infiltrated college campuses. Yes, it’s annoying and needless, but it’s a fact of life in America. People love to celebrate their affection in front of others because it makes them feel “cool” that they’re in love. Likewise, college aged people are frisky! Blame it on the hormones. Be very aware, however, that once you make it out into the “real world,” if such a place actually does exist, your disgruntled attitude is likely to increase 100-fold because couplemania is rampant. How many people have multiple marriages throughout their lives? Exactly. Singledom is taboo. I hate to say this, but if you can’t beat ’em, you may as well join them.

While I do admit that you’re just going to have to suck it up and learn how to deal with the fact that lovey doveys will love at their own leisure, regardless of location, there are certain boundaries that should absolutely never be crossed! Your unfortunate experience with the library lip-lockers is one such case. In public, discretion is advised if not mandated. Furthermore, there is a huge difference between holding hands or pecking and full on gettin’ sloppy! If you don’t happen to be the one who’s involved in the kiss, watching a game of tonsil hockey is just plain awkward! Nobody wants to see it, so put it away and save it for home. The only exception that I will allow for is the drunken make out session, but that’s only in dark bars, and only after midnight.

Best,
V.

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This Dear V originally ran on April 22, 2005.