Great news, liberals! I’ve finally figured out how to listen to a Dubya speech without inducing self-mutilation. I actually managed to listen to all of the State of the Union address.
The last time I listened to Dubya talking, I was in an airport, and CNN had him on their painfully short airport loop. I tried shoving my fingers in my ears, and wiggling them so the sound of my creaking joints would drown him out. It worked, until I pulled my fingers out and realized I had temporarily damaged the joint. Just in case carpel tunnel doesn’t hit early enough, I figured I’d try for a bit of arthritis.
But for the State of the Union, I was prepared. I listened to the whole speech, and was actually very upbeat by the end.
What’s my trick? Drinking. My friend and I decided to drink every time Dubya said the words “terrorist”, “9/11”, or “freedom”. I find his voice grating, like nails on a blackboard, so it’s refreshing to know that with enough beer, I can tough it out.
George W. Bush has these buzzwords-he uses them in all of his speeches, and most of the time, they have absolutely nothing to do with the topic at hand. Anything and everything is justified by these buzzwords: wiretapping, the PATRIOT Act, deprivation of habeas corpus, etc. It’s all because, “in this post 9/11 world, in order to ensure the security of the nation and to defeat the terrorists,” we must ignore values this country was founded on.
These words managed to hypnotize our nation for the better part of his administration-people have finally snapped out of it, but he still peppers his speeches with them. In the 2007 State of the Union address, Dubya had said “terrorist” three times before he even got to external policy. Fortunately, he only said “freedom” once-he said “free” a number of times, but he only used “freedom” once. Guess it’s a rare commodity these days. If we had chosen enemy, well, there’s plenty of “enemies.”
Needless to say, I was wasted by the time Jim Webb gave the Democratic rebuttal.
I was drunk enough that Dubya didn’t sound half bad. I wasn’t skeptical of his magical transformations of domestic policy, or how he was going to fund any of it. I didn’t notice how opportunistic his introductions were. Apparently some of my friends were actually screaming at their TVs at that point.
I don’t say this to endorse drinking, or to imply that it’s a solution to your problems, or that you should drink to excess. I’m just saying that even a “pinko” like me can get through a Dubya speech when drinking on the buzzwords. I can even understand how some people can believe so much “Busshit.” Taking shots seems to be a good way to get into the mindset of the dwindling Bush supporters in the country. Just don’t use tequila.
Bethany Quinn is a senior majoring in Latin American studies and photography. She may be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org