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Thanks, Mom, but we don’t need a vibrator from you…

Dear V,


My boyfriend and I have been together for six months and we get along great. However, there is one tiny problem: His mother thinks we don’t have enough sex. She actually counts the condoms in the house and tries to calculate how many times we have sex each week. She’ll do stuff like put a basket of sexual aids (lubes, warming liquids, massage oils, etc.) next to his bed. Once she even left an X-rated tape on his pillow with a note that said “Enjoy!” This strikes me as both crazy and disturbing -why is she having such an interest in our sex life? By the way, she is recently divorced and definitely in midlife-crisis mode…could this be a factor? My God, how do I stop this madness?

Mama Drama

Dear Reader,

Well, isn’t this quite an embarrassing and slightly incestuous conundrum? Perhaps you should plan to monitor the details of her sex life. Ask her if she’s getting any good middle-aged ass. But, honestly, in my opinion, there is something strangely twisted and disgustingly unhealthy about the relationship that your boyfriend has with his mother.

Does your boyfriend not find her behavior strange? Your momma’s boy might be used to it, as her behavior is, at its very core, controlling and domineering. Her unwieldy concern for his sex life seems to have manifested itself into these outlandish cries for attention. Bear with me if you will, but her divorced woman’s mind is probably somewhat jealous of both you and your boyfriend; you have youth, love and one another, while she doesn’t have any of the above. Nope, nada, zip, nothing. Though, I’m sure that she would never admit to anyone, even herself, that she is jealous of her own son, is it not human nature to crave love and be jealous (somewhere, deep down) of those who have found it? Furthermore, the only “man” in her life at this point is probably your boyfriend, and I’m sure that she not only wants his attention, but that she also wants him to want her for companionship. So, if you combine divorced and wrinkly singledom with an intense connection between mother and son, you have one screwed up woman. Actually, I feel kind of bad for her. Her situation sounds prettysucky.

So as for getting rid of your problem, if your boyfriend, after a long and embarrassing talk with his mother, has not successfully been able to ask her to stop doing these favors, then maybe he should install a lock on his bedroom door to ensure privacy. Or, it might be equally as effective to just stop sleeping at his place. You know what they say, out of sight and out of mind. Other than those three solutions, you are probably stuck with all of the free toys (hey, there is an upside here!) until she gets her own head figured out. God help your boyfriend’s future wife!

Best of Luck,

V.

Please send probing inquiries to DearV@hotmail.com or drop V a line in her box in the office of The Hurricane. All questions and comments will remain anonymous.

This Dear V originally ran September 6, 2005.

January 23, 2007

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The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


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