Diverting my usual attention from writing brilliant articles, my suite-mate and I, in our first three months on campus, have noticed certain things and people that UM could simply do without, so we have compiled a list of 50 of them.
Note: if in reading this article you take offense to a particular item listed, we do not sympathize with you and are not sorry.
Midget-friendly showers – Referring to the dining hall as “Chartwell’s” – Chartwell’s – The gate at the main entrance – The hookah ban – People who walk around singing with a boombox – Band practice – Crocks (the sandals) – Guys who pop their collar – Guys who wear more than one polo shirt at a time and pop both collars
Eaton Residential College – WVUM – Larry Coker/Kyle Wright – Lance Armstrong/Tony Hawk wannabes who fly by with little remorse (this isn’t the Tour de UM) – People who camp out in the laundry rooms
People who consider, for even a second, having a pet salamander – Sweatshirts – Volvo’s ridin’ on dubs – Skateboards – People in the study lounges on Friday or Saturday nights
The infestation of Philadelphia Eagles fans at the Rat – Signing in – False hopes of the Hecht/Stanford ice cream machine returning -Mahoney/Pearson arsonists – Kids who impose their terrible taste in music by blasting their speakers – RAs – People with ambition – 8AM classes – People who break chairs and throw them into the lake – Angry UM (Chartwell’s) Employees
Girls who have an abortion two weeks into school – Wearing aviators for any other purpose besides comic relief – “Quiet Floors” – Guys laying out tanning on the intramural fields – People who find it necessary to wear receiver gloves while playing simple football catch on the intramural fields – Shirtless guys
Kids who have enough time to make a list this long – V-Neck t-shirts – Substance-free housing-Holding Dorm doors open for people causing them to awkwardly jog through them – Too much UM gear – The Hurry ‘Cane, or rather, the sorry excuse for a pun that serves no purpose – True fans of the girls’ volleyball team – Extreme levels of excitement for the one day of “Fall Break”
Anyone who questions the validity of USA Today – Bookstore prices – Those, like Hansel, who think they’re “too cool for school, but really “aren’t”
Cops with Tasers – Double secret disciplinary probation
Dan Brookman contributed to this column.
Adam Flomenbaum may be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org. The Adam and Dan may also be contacted outside of Eaton on their Cigar Night (Sundays).