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Bf’s mom’s cooking up some clogged arteries

Dear V,

My boyfriend is not from the United States (big shocker here in Miami) but he has basically grown up here. His parents, on the other hand, still have the virtues and values of the motherland. Apparently, where they are from, they like to force-feed their son’s significant others…this means that whenever I am visiting his house, they are cramming food down my throat. Breakfast is four eggs, toast, cheese, fruit, OJ and milk. Lunch and dinner are hot pastas, baked pastries, stews and soups. This cooking is indeed luscious and better than my own, but they get offended if I don’t eat every morsel-and they refuse to give me normal, human-sized portions, choosing instead to give me pounds upon pounds of oily, cheesy, fatty fare. Things are starting to get desperate, and I have even had to resort to throwing out their food when they’re not looking or have left the room.

V, how can I get this gluttony to stop without offending my boyfriend and his parents? I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he seems to think I am ungrateful for their hospitality.

-Fatter By the Hour

Dear Fatter,

Wouldn’t life be grand if we could down 10,000 calories a day and still fit into our size two, err, size eight, errr size 12 jeans? OK, so I will spare you on your father’s “People are starving in China” speech as I’m sure that you are both already aware of this fact and are incredibly grateful that his parents adore you enough to feed you as if you are eating for two (as incredulous as it may sound, I know of many a girl who hasn’t gotten a “hello” out of her boyfriend’s parents, let alone a freakin’ glass of juice). If only we all could be so lucky!

So far, I think that you have done the best thing-used your boyfriend as a friendly messenger-but clearly he isn’t taking the reality of your situation seriously enough. Perhaps you should kindly let him know that 1) not only will you be a cranky, cellulite-covered bitch with wicked chub-rub at 500 pounds (and in this heat, my God!) but 2) when he dumps you for reason 1), it won’t matter if he finds someone new because his parents are “sooo kind/wonderful/fab” that they will feed his new girlfriend until she can’t fit through the doorway! Oh, for the love of the perpetuating cycle! Clearly, if you present your problem to him this way, he might try and nip this problem in the bud, lest he end up with a string of obesity ridden ex-girlfriends.

If Captain Dense still doesn’t understand that you need his help, it might be time to bring in the big guns: your pleasantly defiant voice. The next time you happen to encounter a meal at his home, though God knows his mother’s afternoon snacks could probably feed a small country too, just say “no, thank you.” It wouldn’t hurt to let his parents know that you are surely satisfied with two eggs, as opposed to four, or that you prefer to not consume your daily allotment of calories at one sitting. However, if desperate times do call for desperate measures, perhaps subtly dropping your non-existent battle with high cholesterol or clogged arteries or the fact that Aunt Bee was already fighting off heart disease at the tender age of 20 when you are interrogated for not eating the 10-pound serving of potatoes on your dinner plate might also help ward off your newest jelly roll.

Best of Luck!

V.

Fact O’ the Day…About one in every 200 women has a third nipple, though many resemble moles…hmmm.

Please send probing inquiries to DearV@hotmail.com. All questions and comments will remain anonymous.

September 2, 2005

Reporters

The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.