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Keep the library sacred, you frisky kids!

Dear V,

I was trying to study orgo in the library this weekend (hard enough on its own without the jazz concert blaring outside the library) when my ears were assaulted with the smackings and suckings of a make-out session. Two feet away, tucked under the stairs in the library lobby, were two people making out like their lives depended on it. Maybe they thought they were invisible there under the stairs, straddling each other on a big squishy armchair. Maybe they both live with their Amish parents and are forbidden to date. Whatever the case may be, what can I do in the future to make them stop this insanity? Not only were their lusty kisses audible and distracting, but it’s also annoying as hell to see people sucking face everywhere I go. Any suggestions?

Sick of Incessant Face-Sucking

Dear Reader,

Word. I don’t think that it’s possible for people to get any ruder than blatantly making out in the library’s lobby. I guess they must consider lobby kisses daring and risky. Really now, take it to a study room or to the stacks where it belongs. No one, especially someone who is cramming for orgo, should have to be subjected to a couple’s nasty smacking and slurping. As if they couldn’t wait until they got to the car, or even outside of the doors of Otto G. Maybe tomorrow they can have sex next to the turnstiles-now that’s erotic.

As if you didn’t already know, society’s “couple culture” has infiltrated college campuses. Yes, it’s annoying and needless (I almost tripped over a couple who found it necessary to make out before parting ways in front of Memorial), but it’s a fact of life in America. People love to celebrate their affection in front of others because it makes them feel, on a certain level, that they too are part of the larger scheme, that they’re “cool” because they’re in love or at least have someone with which they can share kisses; nobody likes an unlovable human. Likewise, college aged people are frisky! Blame it on the hormones. Be very aware, however, that once you make it out into the “real world,” if such a place actually does exist, your disgruntled attitude is likely to increase 100-fold because couple-mania is rampant and scarily alive. Honestly, how many people have multiple marriages (and divorces) throughout their lives? Exactly. Singledom is still taboo. I hate to say this, I really do, but if you can’t beat ’em, you may as well join them.

However, while I do admit that you’re just going to have to suck it up and learn how to deal with the fact that lovey doveys will love at their own leisure, regardless of location, there are certain boundaries that should absolutely never be crossed! Your unfortunate experience with the library lip-lockers is one such case that can absolutely not be ignored. In public, discretion is advised if not mandated. Furthermore, there is a huge difference between holding hands or pecking and full on gettin’ sloppy! If you don’t happen to be the one who’s involved in the kiss, watching a game of tonsil hockey is just plain gross and, hello, awkward! Nobody wants to see it, so put it away and save it for home. My rules for discretion don’t just apply to the library or to the classroom, but to any friggin’ place where there are more than just two human beings congregating at one time, a.k.a. do not make out at small, intimate gatherings (no! no! no!), the grocery store or on a bench at the mall. The only exception that I will allow for is the drunken make out session, but that’s only in dark bars, and only after midnight.

Best,

V.

Fact O’ the Day…According to a survey, receiving oral sex is numero uno on American males’ sexual top 10 wants list, followed by intercourse, threesomes and groping…

Please submit all questions, comments or concerns to DearV@hotmail.com or to the Dear V box in the offices of The Hurricane. All submissions are strictly confidential. Dear V. is published on Tuesdays and Fridays, and yes, V will respond to almost (don’t push it) anything.

April 22, 2005

Reporters

The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.