Etc. Dear V An untrusting boyfriend and late-semester stress woes

Dear V,
So I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for over a year and we’re both crazy about each other. The only problem is that he gets insanely jealous about my guy friends. When they call me or I hang out with them, he flips out. He says it is just them that he doesn’t trust them and not me, but if he feels this strongly about it then it just makes me feel like deep down he’s never going to trust me completely. He also refuses to meet my friends, which doesn’t make the situation any better. How can I get him to understand that I can have entirely platonic relationships without wanting anything more?

Dear Possessed,
Your problem is one that many people in relationships can identify with easily. Relax, you’re in the clear, and props for not isolating yourself within your relationship with your boyfriend or letting him cage you in. I’m particularly concerned that he rages with jealousy about your guy friends, yet at the same time refuses to meet them; he is most definitely insecure about himself and probably feels very threatened that you do have platonic relationships with other guys. Obviously, you need to reiterate to him that there is no funny business whatsoever going on, and he needs to get a grip.
If I were you, I would start introducing your boyfriend to your guy friends. He’s obviously not going to want to meet them, but tough luck. He needs to see that he needs to trust them, because they are, just like he is, a big part of your life too. Also, kindly remind him that even though he trusts you to never cheat (and there is something unsettling about where he places his trust), that if one of your friends were to ever pull a move on you, you would firmly resist.
As for his trust issues, I think that they are firmly embedded within his own insecurities and that there is a bitty part of him, as you allude to, that doesn’t trust you or your judgment around these platonic male friends. His lack of trust in you is a big problem and is quite possibly the root of his and your problem. If you really want to remain crazy about this guy, and want the relationship to last, you both need to put the ultimate trust in one another. Ideally, if he did trust you completely, he really would not have an issue with your male friends, but alas, he does. So, do yourself a favor and let him know that either he accepts your friends and works on his insecurities or the two of you aren’t going to last – because ultimately you won’t.
Good luck,

Dear V,
I am so tired! This semester has completely worn me out already, and I still have to make it through finals. I really, really, really need a break though and sometimes I don’t think that I am going to be able to do it. Please help!

Dear Exhausted,
Don’t lose faith so quickly! You’ve already made it this far. Classes will be over in three weeks. In the meantime though, there are some crucial time and life management steps you need to take in order to make it through all the way until the holidays. So, take a deep breath because here we go!
Sleep is the best way to reenergize – and I’m not talking about four hours a night during the week and 35-plus during the weekends. In order to feel your best and reduce your stress, adequate sleep is essential to your overall wellbeing and mental health. They say that eight hours a night is the best way to go, but let’s be realistic here, eight hours is a weekend’s dream. Six hours a night is more realistic. Try to stick to it. Four will do you no good, crankypants. And forget those afternoon marathon naps, please. They will only destroy your sleep schedule. If you must, utilize the power of the 20-minute power nap – the maximum amount of time to rest before your body drops off into a deep sleep.
Exercise is the original stress buster. Doesn’t it feel great to run, spin or yoga out all of your aggression? Yeah, you bet it does. Not a runner? Try walking the loop around campus twice a week or more. Getting a regular fix of aerobic exercise is going to improve the quality of your sleep (your body will be physically worn) and cut down on the effect of all of that Charties and Bud Light. Fit in two, half-hour, weekly exercise sessions, and you will feel better. I promise.
Finally, choose your fuel wisely. Starchy, sugary and fat-laden foods put you to sleep, take you on wild sugar roller coasters, and will only make you crankier in the end. Yeah, I know that the chocolate chip cookie looks so much better than the carrots, but try compromising instead: Cookie today, carrots tomorrow. Go for protein – brain food – and veggies, but do not cut all your carbs or your fat or dip below 1200 calories a day. And, listen to your tummy and your brain.
Hang in there!

Tuesday’s Fun Fact…The scent of lavender, as well as licorice, chocolate and pumpkin pie all increase blood flow to the penis…sniff up.

Please submit all questions, comments or concerns to DearV@hotmail.com or to the Dear V box in the offices of the Hurricane. All submissions are strictly confidential. Dear V. is published on Tuesdays and Fridays, and yes, V will respond to almost (don’t push it) anything.

November 16, 2004


The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami

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