Edge

IMAGINARY FAKE, NOT UM FAKE

Are you sad, lonely, and single? Do you like long walks on the beach and candlelight dinners, but have no one to share it with? Are you going to be alone this Valentine’s Day?

Well, mope no longer. Just recently I was in the same situation, feeling down on myself, wondering why I’m such a loser, when I found my girlfriend. I was searching the Internet as I often do when I’m lonely, but this time I checked out eBay. Lo and behold, she appeared. My eyes lit up with joy, a true burst of happiness warmed me up inside: the girl of my dreams was on-sale for the small price of 25 dollars and rising. I jumped on the opportunity and began bidding away. After one day, two hours and 27 minutes of rigorous out biddings…she was mine.

You may be asking yourself what is included in this imaginary girlfriend purchase. Most of the imaginary girlfriend services advertised their letter writing, e-mails and even Instant Messages. The letters are personalized to fit your needs and wants. The letters are sent at various times, either weekly, monthly, or whenever your “girlfriend” is thinking about you. Some even scent their letters with perfume. You can even respond to the letters: once a letter is sent, the girl will respond personally. Some girls throw photos into the package to add to the scheme. I chose my girl, simply because she promised provocative photos and, as an added bonus, a pair of her thong panties. Man, did that get me some definite cool points.

The major plus with the purchase is that this girl will never dump you, at least not until your subscription expires. Many girls offer their services for only two months while others go up to six months, after which the dumping time approaches. The catch is that the client has the ability to choose the way he wishes to dump the girl, any way they choose to. To seal the deal, imaginary girlfriend will still respond trying to win you back before she eventually gives up.

Unfortunately, imaginary girlfriends are a dying breed. As the days pass, fewer and fewer of these spectacular creatures are appearing on eBay. They are either being purchased or are simply being removed. Whether or not they are being banned or not, the amount of girls is drastically diminishing. So…if you are interested in purchasing an imaginary girlfriend, act quickly and begin bidding while supplies last.

Jim Makowski can be contacted at j.makowski@umiami.edu.

February 13, 2004

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The Miami Hurricane

Student newspaper at the University of Miami


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The Miami Hurricane is the student newspaper of the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. The newspaper is edited and produced by undergraduate students at UM and is published weekly in print on Tuesdays during the regular academic year.